Boston, MA—10-year-old Jason Peterbilt spent his youth learning the secrets of the universe. By the time he graduated Harvard last year, one of those lessons was the secret to productivity. Now, as he wakes up each morning and gets ready for work pondering how to share his knowledge, he kisses his stuffed animals goodbye, takes the train down to his office, and sits in his cubicle.
As he was compiling spreadsheets looking at the most recent ROI on John’s Pet Food Company, he decided to finally open up. The world deserved to know how he was able to graduate from a prestigious university and find immediate employment as the advertising account manager for the region’s second-largest dog food company.
Jason hopes that others can follow in his footsteps and make themselves more productive and hopefully they too can work in an office and earn at least four vacation days a year and have a non-matching 401(K) plan.
Jason found that if he completely ignored every part of his social life, he could get more work done. At the age of three, he told his mother that he would no longer be attending storytime. He found friendships distracting from learning how to collate spreadsheet numbers. By four, he informed his parents that he no longer wanted to answer their questions about his day.
“How are you doing, honey?” was a big distraction, Jason said. “I mean, I exist so obviously I’m doing fine. Because in the end, existing is the only purpose of life. Now hand me that milk and I’ll tell you the rest.”
“Love is the biggest distraction to your productivity,” Jason said. “Will Sarah like me if I give her my cookie? Does she only like me for my cookie? Such a waste of thought.”
According to the pint-sized ad exec, love and companionship hinder your productivity. Enjoying sunsets means you can’t clock in overtime to impress the boss. And if you don’t impress the boss, maybe he’ll ask someone else to wash his car and then where will you be?
“I saw Sarah the other day on my way to work,” Jason said as he hurried to pick up a stack of reports from the printer. “She was playing in the schoolyard with all her friends. Laughter is so unproductive.”
Another pro tip: your physical form is nothing but an illusion. It’s in your mind where you truly live and get things done. “Give up physical exercise. Often, I’ll sit at my desk with my half-eaten PB & J and invent entire other worlds. And in these worlds, I’ll discover what it’s like to work a spreadsheet on a different computer. Maybe even a Mac. And then the answers will just come to me.
It’s this mental exercise that has Jason up for his next promotion to account assistant manager.
Jason claims one of the biggest hindrances to productivity is not being at the office. As a result, he has trained himself to sleep while hitting the spacebar on his keyboard. These micro naps allow him to always be at his desk while getting the rest he needs. And it turns out, his parents don’t want him much around the house anymore and don’t seem to miss him.
“I think Sarah liked me. She punched me once. What were we talking about again?” Jason asked, looking around his cubicle with jaundiced, bloodshot eyes.
Every day the boss sees Jason as his desk before anyone else, and he’s there when the boss goes home. One day, he is hoping to get a raise and an extra juice box during snack time.
Truly productive people must learn to ignore the voices in their heads. “These are your critics, your doubters,” Jason says. “You’re not good enough. Sarah was your one true love. Ignore them all!”
Jason knows how hard imposter syndrome can be and suggests that you invent an alternative personality to get rid of these voices.
Truly, Jason is a prodigy. With a degree from Harvard and a solid job that will see him comfortably retire in just fifty more years, he tries to stay humble. On weekends he does find time to go back to the office and get some more work done. How he is able to manage this is truly remarkable considering that he was laid off last week and his 401(K) was actually a pyramid scheme.
As he sits in his cardboard box thinking of Sarah, he knows that the next great opportunity is just around the corner. At 10 years old, he is living the American Dream.