Danbury, CT—With interest rates at historic lows, there has never been a better time to take out a loan so that you can afford your groceries. With the stock market booming, and stimulus checks delayed, you can finally afford to go into debt rather than starve to death.
Banks are lining up to offer you the best rates available. However, borrowers are urged to go over the terms and conditions of their loan prior to filing for bankruptcy.
1. This loan cannot be dismissed in bankruptcy.
2. This loan can only be used to buy lobster tail from Ronny’s Lobster’s and Tails located in Bangor, Maine. Ronny is a huge contributor to the PAC that lobbied for these great and wonderful loans. He’s a good guy and sells only the best lobsters and the best tails. Please note, the tails are not lobster tails, and the lobster is not lobster. It’s a mixture of sawdust and liberal tears.
3. Borrower agrees to pay back this loan based on an adjustable-rate which is influenced by Ronny’s moods. That rate is then locked in for a period of twenty-four hours which is about how long it takes Ronny to sober up.
4. Borrower must put children up as collateral. These children will then work off the debt by mining the lobster traps just off the coast. Hopefully, children float but the loan makes not guarantee that they can.
5. Vegetables are not covered by this loan. However, vegetables covered in gravy are covered by this loan.
6. This loan does not include any purchase of local or domestic beef. However, this loan does cover steel for the Keystone Pipeline. If you would like to sponsor sections of the Keystone Pipeline, please burn a Native-American heritage site near you.
7. Borrower agrees to be punched in the face once a day by a guy with a monocle.
8. Guarantor of the loan reserves the right to attend any family dinners that this loan may be used for. At this dinner, the borrower must stare lovingly into the Gaureneer’s eyes and tell him how big his you know what is, even though the you know what probably looks like a coffee stir stick.
9. French fries, Belgium waffles, and German chocolate cake are not covered by this loan.
10. No part of this loan can be used in any form of a GoFundMe account as that is a different loan that preys on a different need. Should you wish to take out a GoFundMe loan, please visit literally any doctor near you. Seriously, just pick a doctor. It’s going to cost you an arm and a leg no matter what you do.
11. The roasting of arms and legs are encouraged with this loan, but not mandatory. Much like children floating.
12. This loan may only be spent at special stores. These “company” stores will take your script instead of money. This loan does not provide you with any money. Only company script and every once in a while, a wooden nickel.
13. Borrower agrees to not fight for abortion, free speech, your right to assemble, fair and honest wages, and your right to party.
14. Borrower agrees to triple the legal fees for violating any of these terms and conditions. Furthermore, borrower agrees to forgo any legal proceedings to settle disputes. Instead, borrowers agree to attend an attribution session where the main judge will be Ronny’s Lobster and Tails and his floating children.
15. Failure to repay this loan upon the date of your suicide, this loan will transfer to your children and your children’s children. Yes, we realize we could have said just grandchildren, but this way it sounds way more ominous and we like to have a chuckle every now and then.
16. Should you require assistance, the guarantor will provide you with an emotional support animal. In this case, a goblin shark named Ted that loves long walks on the beach, deep conversations, and biting your face until you make a loan payment.
Getting you and your family into debt is truly the American way. Once you secure your loan, you can sit back, relax, and finally enjoy fine dining curtsey of Ronny’s Lobster and Tail.
American bellies will soon be full and distended with all the great food this loan can provide. And as grocery prices continue to skyrocket, while wages plummet, rest assured that you will forever be making payments.