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confederacy

Administration Reopens Peace Talks with the Confederacy

Washington, DC — The Trump administration today announced a secret summit that took place at Camp David last week. In a move that surprised absolutely no one, the President has reopened peace talks with the losers of the American Civil War.

Members of the Confederacy Congress, in hiding for the last 154 years, left their mountain compounds in Virginia to join the President and his trusted staff for s’mores and some good old fashioned racism.

After the initial festivities were completed, peace talks officially began.

How Long Has The Confederacy Been In Hiding?

This is a common question that our investigative reporters have spent minutes researching. They have discovered that the Confederacy has never been in hiding. Like, at all. The Great Losers have been front and center since they last waved the white flag.

In fact, it may shock many to know that there are literally hundreds of monuments in the South dedicated to the Confederacy. The idea that they were ever in hiding was a public relations campaign run out of Atlanta. This made it very easy for this administration to find and set up the summit. The Trump Administration took an ad out on Craigslist to make initial contact.

“To the members of the Confederacy, hey man, it’s cool. I get it. So there is an election coming up and I’m going to need some of them old fashioned Jim Crow laws. So what do you say we let bygones be bygones and come on down to Camp David and let’s bury the hatchet. No minorities welcome.”

The ad received a great many number of replies.

Terms and Conditions

The new deal spells out the terms and conditions that the Confederacy would get should they agree. They will be allowed to remain in the union but only if they agree to let only white, land-owning, males vote. They would also have to be cool with receiving all the federal funding from Blue states.

Given that the current Confederacy already does this, the deal was stuck almost immediately. And with that, the Civil War that unofficially ended in 1865, has officially come to a close in 2019 with fine people on both sides.