San Francisco, CA—With the nation’s ICU beds quickly disappearing in an ever-changing housing market, now is the perfect time to invest with Airbnb.
The pandemic is slated to overwhelm hospitals any minute now, and speculators have taken advantage of this huge opportunity. They have bought the remaining ICU beds and are now renting them out on a per hour basis.
The shortage of beds spells big profits for people that already have enough money to feed every person in the country. They won’t, there’s no profit in that, but they like you knowing that they could.
Browse the new ICU Airbnb listings and find the best deals on your death bed.
This ICU bed is located in downtown San Francisco in the wonderful El Captain Hospital. Enjoy nightly turndown service as they check you for bedsores. Don’t let COVID-19 take away your sense of adventure!
Colorful characters will make your stay even more memorable as your family fights over the inheritance that will eventually go to your medical bills anyway. At ICU San Fran, your health is money in their pocket.
The hustle and bustle of the city is all around you in this wonderful 1 Bed, 3 ventilator room. You won’t need three ventilators, but it’s nice when you can keep them from someone else in need.
And at night, the city comes alive with the sounds of the homeless that were all recently kicked out of their apartments because the stimulus checks never came through.
Pass on to the great beyond to the sounds of Broadway, which is within easy walking distance should you have the misfortune to recover.
Yee-Haw partner! It’s time to get some southern comfort care in this ranch style ICU bed. Located right outside Dallas and Fort Worth, let the spirit of the west take you to the next step of your journey.
Marvel at the constant screaming of anti-maskers right outside your window as they put the tube down your throat. In Texas, everything is make-believe unless it has to do with election fraud, and then it’s tots real. Like really real.
Not by Republicans and not in Texas. But in other places like swing states. Then it’s real. But not the virus. That’s still a hoax. Take heart in knowing that this is just like the flu in this ICU bed built for two.
Nothing says I’m completely rational than rolling down a busy freeway in a golf cart. It would be weird in any other state, but hey, in Florida things are different. This portable ICU bed is driven around by your very own private Trump Supporter.
Spend your last days seeing such wonderful sights such as the Kennedy Space Center, Disney World, and the latest raid on scientists in an effort to squash the true COVID numbers. In Florida, every day is your last!
You’ll feel safe and sound surrounded by 200 gun-toting patriot rednecks in this secluded ICU bed getaway. On the Militia Compound, they have enough supplies to last through the next apocalypse that they are hoping to cause.
Pass away the time by reading fine literature that has been reduced to the size of a pamphlet or newsletter. You won’t even have to give your name because that’s governmental interference and there will be none of that here!
There is also no running water or doctors. But what they do have is yet another plan to kidnap and torture politicians they don’t agree with and to rebrand treason as patriotism.
Are you up for a good scare in your final moments? Look no further than the Antifa Portland Romantic Getaway. Filled with all the drama and intrigue of great fiction, let crisis actors run around you in their very scary masks.
Are there 2 of them or millions? If you listen to Fox news, you’ll know the answer! Let your worst imaginary fears come to life as you lose yours. Bring your Facebook comments and let the fun craziness entertain you!
When you live in luxury, you demand to die in luxury. At the Wall Street ICU Bed and Breakfast, get all the personal attention that you need, without all the pesky plebeians screaming about unemployment.
Be surrounded by 3000 count Egyptian cotton and an ICU machine that not only gives your vitals but also lets you know how well the stock market is doing.
This ICU bed will even come with an itemized bill that lets you know how many tax cuts you’ll get in order to pay for your recovery. Presidents and dignitaries have all enjoyed the accommodations of the Walter Reed ICU Bed and Breakfast.
But you know who hasn’t? Everyone else, but then again, you’re better than everyone else. And each day that you wake up, because here you will, enjoy the free complimentary medication that is only available to you.
Yup, you get the good experimental stuff. At the Walter Reed ICU Bed and Breakfast, you’ll make a full recovery.