Mountain View, CA—In a first for humanity, SETI has finally picked up a transmission from an alien civilization. Unfortunately, it was not what humanity wanted to hear.
“Look, I know that you’re lonely but that seems to be a problem you need to work on. Before there can be an us, there has to be a better you.
“The Galactic Federation of Aliens hoped that by ignoring all your calls, satellites, and those weirdo selfies, you would get the hint. Look, junk pics aren’t cool anywhere in the galaxy. Stop sending them. It’s not you, it’s us.
“We’re just not ready for the kind of commitment your civilization needs. Like they say, never stick your junk in crazy. Take your pills, go to more therapy, and please stop sending us messages.”
Saddened, the world has vowed to win over the aliens.
Obviously, the angles were all wrong in the first set of pictures that humanity put on their different satellites. The lighting was bad on the gold-plated photograph. This time, NASA will hire a team of bros from The University of Virginia to do it right.
All they need is a couple of cellphones, a keg of Mountain Dew, and an unfinished basement somewhere. NASA stands ready to send a new satellite named Richard out into the cosmos.
NASA has also decided that the best way to win the affection of the alien civilization is to show up in person when you are least expected because that always works.
The Virginia Boys are already in training throughout local neighborhoods as the junk pics didn’t take that long. So if you see glaring eyes looking into your window, don’t worry, that’s just America’s heroes.
The old Circuit City on 12th street in downtown Detroit has also donated a boom box with a mixed tape. Operation “This Will Work This Time” is a go!
On the chance that the aliens have blocked humanity’s number, a new base is being constructed on Mars. This base will clone the signal from Earth and beam it right out to the aliens.
Mars will tell the aliens all about how cool Earth is and that if you only give them a shot, this could work out. Because there is no loving quite as good as Earth loving. Just give us a chance, baby.
Superstar actress Julia Roberts will show up in the alien’s bookstore with a very large, non-junk pic, painting. She will present this painting to the aliens and has her speech ready to go.
“I’m just a girl, standing in front of an alien civilization, asking that civilization to love her.” Then she will give that award-winning smile, a small tear, and turn sadly around. Surely, the chase will begin in 2 to 5 minutes depending on where the Act 3 break is.
There is that old adage that the fastest way to an alien’s heart is through their three stomachs. Celebrity Chef Gordan Ramsay has vowed to wow our alien love interest. He will prepare a menu that is sure to win over their affection.
If anyone knows how to talk gently to someone, it’s Gordan Ramsay. Chocolate covered strawberries, beef bourguignon, and a human entrails soufflé will have them eating out of our hands in no time. Or eating our hands, it’s all cool.
We’re cool with kinks. No shame here. Just saying.
If all else fails, there is always the fallback of never, ever stop asking if they will go out with humanity. When they say no again, well, that’s just a step closer to yes.
Then SETI will nag them a little bit and accuse them of being alien gals who are into gals, because how could they not want a piece of this? We don’t care, they weren’t that hot anyway and we know way hotter alien civilizations. You’ll see! You’ll see! Please talk to us.
One of the strategies is bound to work. SETI has an unlimited bank account from Government Daddy and a sweet ride that is ready to go. Eventually, they’ll either talk to humanity or send a galactic restraining order accusing us of stalking.
And then humanity will be like “No way, man! I’m a nice guy, you just have to get to know me! I didn’t mean to send in the Space Force! Why won’t you love me!”