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Americans Ready to Cash In on Russian Bounties

New York, NY —  It has recently been reported that Russia has been putting bounties on the heads on U.S. Soldiers. As one would expect, the White House is furious.

“The President has currently locked himself in his Temper Bunker until he calms down,” stated press secretary Kayleigh McEnany stated.  “The fact that Russia withheld these bounties from the people of the United States is just, frankly, shocking.  President Trump is now demanding a licensing fee be part of any future bounties.”

The American public is also very upset they couldn’t get in on this cash cow and have begun to pitch new bounty ideas to President Putin.  If it’s American deaths old Vlad wants, no one is better at that than Americans and their can-do attitude.

Pandemic Response Bounty

President Trump is demanding a premium bounty be paid since he fired the entire pandemic team before the virus even got to our shores.  “That’s a whole lot of deaths that I’m directly responsible for.  I’ll keep screwing up our response and collecting that sweet, sweet bounty money.”

The President goes on to say that he will not donate any bounty money to charity unless he can also use that charity to cheat some more cancer patients, which he fully expects a new bounty to be paid.

Police Bounty

As many police departments are facing the very real threat of becoming de-funded, they are also making their case for American Deaths and the bounty.

“Well, just look at TV every night,” stated police union rep Victor Sharp.  “I don’t know what must-see TV you’re watching, but if you just wait a bit you can see us killing tons of Americans.  We don’t even get our day rolling until we’ve stomped on the necks of at least three different people.  Just today, I shot an unarmed man who asked me what time it was.  Obviously, I feared for my life.”

Many police departments are hoping to buy tanks and Apache attack helicopters with their share of the bounty.

Mask Bounty

If there is one thing that truly defines the American spirit, it’s our entrepreneurial attitude.  Millions of citizens are now refusing to wear a mask and cough on everyone that they can.  Operation Karen is in full effect and many hope that this will restart the economy.  They roam around crowded spaces such as grocery stores, concerts, and nursing homes.

Once in place, they unleash the entrepreneur battle cry and immediately start licking babies.  For every American they kill, they send an invoice to the Russian government.  They expect a bonus if the person that died is an old person.

Lobbyist Bounty

If anyone deserves the bounty, the Lobby Group of American states that they have done more to destroy American’s lives than any other group.

“Look, we lost the polio battle,” stated Rick Sharp, spokesman for the group.  “I mean, we tried to kill the vaccine and that didn’t work out.  But look what we’ve been able to do for guns, healthcare denial, and obesity.  Let’s be honest, McDonald’s doesn’t make a great burger, we’ve just convinced the public that it does.

“That’s at least a billion long term deaths right there.  Next week, we plan to launch our drown baby seals initiative in connection with big oil.  Tons of great deaths there.”

Systemic Racism Bounty

The big king of the bounty world though appears to be systemic racism, which can claim deaths of millions of Americans throughout our history.  From good old fashioned KKK tactics to publicity campaigns specifically designed to keep minorities marginalized and targeted.

When you deny people jobs, education, and the right to vote, the tally does become quite impressive.  Always operating underneath the surface, Systemic Racism looks to be the bounty champ.

It is unclear at this point how the bounties will be paid out to hard-working Americans.  Will it be directly deposited into their accounts, or will big corporations get their cut first?  Trickle-down bounties are an intriguing economic plan but it remains to be seen if Russian can actually afford this level of death.

Even if they can’t, we call all rest assured knowing that Americans will keep on killing ourselves whether we are paid or not.

Pssst….

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