Washington, D.C.—As this past election continues to follow the rules of 2020, the nation is finding that all the Zoloft in the world is not enough to stave off the huge amounts of poo causing anxiety.
Every time the country sits down to enjoy a snack, a Tweet reminds the country the President has forgotten to take his crazy pills again. And with the election still up in the air and the promise of pointless lawsuits coming, America’s anxiety cannot be contained.
Eventually, the country has crapped out these swing states.
No relation to Transylvania, Pennsylvania is first up to go down the crapper. With the election swinging in the bowels, The Keystone State loves the feel of the slow-roasted tummy rumble.
Their chief snail in charge doesn’t like to be rushed, and it’s even better if the big urban cities are counted last. Honestly, that’s just good storytelling. Will the state be flushed away? America will find out sometime next year.
What do you get when you combine down-home cooking with down-home racism? Georgia. But this year, Georgia is actually too close to call. Usually, their full load voter suppression operation is enough to clog up any respectable toilet.
Remember, this is the state that recently said Jeff Sessions wasn’t racist enough for them anymore. That’s like an Italian hating garlic. The count is on-going and until then, the country is taking a whole lot of Imodium and eating a car battery block worth of cheese.
In North Carolina, they take pride in their barbeque, their basketball, and their quality septic tanks. When you need a tank that can handle the anxiety of the country, you go to North Carolina.
They stand behind their state motto “Hey, we’re not South Carolina” and promise to get a definitive vote count out sometime before Pennsylvania. Until then, call on North Carolina for all your septic tank needs.
Arizona goes blue! Wait, it goes red! No, it’s back to blue again. If you see Arizona pop up in your poop sample, it’s probably time to go see a doctor. Fox News called the state for Biden, but then everyone else said hold on.
But with anxiety like this, holding things in is going to be difficult. Maybe a giant man-diaper would help as we all get excited, then depressed, then excited again before deciding that Arizona is the turtle head that just won’t poke all the way out.
Just like a ghost poo, Nevada is in another earthly realm. You were sure this one got out but when you look, nope, nothing. But Nevada is known for going to bed at a reasonable hour and not blowing all their money on a blackjack table run by a lady in a G-string known as Candi with an I.
But don’t worry, America, they’ll count all their votes and let you know how it turns out right after the buffet, and you know that is going to cause stomach issues down the road. Grab your teepee, it’s going to be a long week.
The biggest of all the nervous poos, Florida is a nut-filled swamp log that smells like Icy Hot and grave dirt. If you don’t have a bidet to get rid of this stench, just pack it up and do the walk of shame to North Carolina.
And shockers of shockers, Florida actually got their vote count in this year and this whole thing doesn’t hinge on a gator hunting dude named Derrick and his sweet swamp boat. For once, and only once, good job Florida on keeping America’s anxiety in check.
No matter how this election eventually turns out, we can only hope that Twitter finally nuts up and bans the President’s account. It’s one thing to witness the destruction of democracy, it’s quite another to participate in it.
Once a vote is in, it needs to be counted. Otherwise, America is going to be going to the toilet a whole lot more over the next two months. But on a good note, America just approved a whole lot of CBD oils and edibles to help us get through the worst of our anxiety.
Stock up on toilet paper, people.