The Daily Mock

Area 51 Raid Is A Major Success!

Area 51, NV — The raid of Area 51, scheduled for September 20, 2019, went off without a hitch.  Millions of young, idealistic and totally cool people raided the secret government compound as planned.  The guards were so taken by the brilliance of the people that they did not see them coming.  As a result, they were quickly subdued and then joined the raid themselves.  It is amazing that this happened at all.  But apparently, it did so you can move along, nothing to see here.  Yup, you got us.  I mean, them.  You got them.  Not us.  I’m not a government misinformation shill.  I’m a totally legit reporter that was there.

So, the raid was a success!  Yahoo!

What Was Found? 

Surprisingly, no actual aliens were found, which is a bit of a disappointment.  However, this is beyond true and it can be stated clearly once and for all, that no aliens are at Area 51.  Especially no aliens that go by the name of Zorg and have laser beams for eyes.  That would be crazy.  He does not exist on the base, or anywhere, but definitely not in hanger C.

What the raiders did find was a wonderful music festival with the sweet sounds of Tone Loc.  Baby really does have back.  But not aliens.  Those are not here.  Guests were served ice T that absolutely had 0% LSD in it which did not make them pliable to suggestions.  A wonderful time was had by all, except for Zorgs people, who are not here, but if they were seemed really disappointed that no one brought wine and snacks.

What’s Next?

As the raid was such a complete success, the United States Government strongly suggests that it’s young people now attempt a raid on Iran.  There is totally a ton of aliens there.  And alien ships that go pew pew, and that fly really fast.  Those are all in Iran.  This country can be difficult to get to, but the government has offered vacation packages that last four years at a minimum.  LSD may also be provided if raiders play their cards right.  Zorg is 100% in Iran.  Not at Area 51, which is nothing more than a daycare for wayward children and aliens.  Not aliens, just children.  I think the LSD is kicking in.

Congratulations on a great raid!


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