Washington, DC— The new Biden administration plans to add Bigfoot and a host of other conspiracy theory animals to the endangered species list within his first hundred days in office. Over-theorizing by Q-anon supporters have ruined these creatures’ natural habitats within the forested clouded minds of internet trolls. With the loss of their natural environment, nature’s best-hidden creatures are slowly dying out.
However, the Biden administration has a plan to save conspiracy theorizing so we can go back to the days when it was harmless and no one tried to overthrow the government.
A native of North West Washington State, Bigfoot enjoys hidden walks along a mountain trail while stealing picnic baskets of unsuspecting tourists. Although secretive, it is believed that his mating rituals include guttural shouts and a whole lot of Red Bull.
Once the king of all conspiracy theories, Bigfoot is now facing extinction. The Biden Administration hopes to bring this magnificent king back by claiming he has Hillary Clinton’s emails.
Once known for their sophisticated anal probing abilities, it’s hard to find any Aliens in today’s conspiracy ecosystem. Abductions seemed to happen weekly underneath starry skies and copious amounts of Mad Dog 2020. Often the preferred excuse to get out of speeding tickets or why you got caught with your lover with your pants down in a ditch, Aliens were the ultimate wingman.
NASA plans to “leak” some very high-profile space shots from the dark side of the moon showing something “mysterious.” Then they will publicly delete these photos. This technique is known as conspiracy theory seeding, and it is hoped that Aliens will soon be off the endangered species list.
Once so popular it received its own X-Files episode, the Chupacabra has fallen out of favor, and one hasn’t been theorized about in years. Not only is it elusive to begin with, but with the name so hard to spell, many internet trolls have skipped over the Chupacabra. Known for drinking the blood of livestock and children, the Chupacabra has fallen on hard times.
A new awareness campaign is due to launch in the fall of 2021 in the hopes of bringing back this magnificent nightmare. A mascot, known as Chupy, will travel all throughout social media to raise awareness and funds for this conspiracy theory. The third Tuesday of August has also been proposed as the Harvest Moon Chupy Festival.
There hasn’t been a sighting of the Loch Ness Monster in such a long time that many of today’s Instagram influencers don’t even know who she is. With her long neck and slender face, the most photographic of conspiracy theories is in danger of being ignored.
The country of Scotland, which may not be real to begin with, hopes to increase tourism with the help of the US. Men with kilts plan to march in every large city within the US, complete with floats and imaginary balloons.
A distant cousin of Bigfoot, the Yeti once ruled all the mountains. Is that a snowball or the Yeti? Known for the healing powers of its yellow snow, the Yeti captured the hearts and souls of conspiracy theorists everywhere. With its furry belly and lovable nature, humans flocked to its service.
To bring back the popularity of this magnificent beast, Hollywood will help out the government. My Cousin Yeti is due to hit theaters on Christmas, 2021. And with guest appearances by Joe Pesci and the cast of Harry and the Hendersons, the movie might bring back this most loveable conspiracy theory.
There is no story as sad as the Cleveland Browns and their inability to make the playoffs. But their fans stayed true to their conspiracy and never let their faith waiver. So to end on a good note, The Cleveland Browns Playoff Team is now off the endangered species list. Of all the unbelievable conspiracy theories, this one was the most far-fetched. But in a world where up is down, even the most pitiful creatures can be saved.
Long gone are the days when conspiracy theories were harmless. Now they result in insurrections and people drinking bleach. Stupidity has long been proven to be the number one cause of death in America, so to save our country, and ourselves, the Biden administration hopes that bringing awareness to this endangered species list will help.