Montpelier, VT—At the annual bird watching convention, the world was shocked when Resolution 291 passed with overwhelming support.
“We here, the Bird Watchers of the World, hereby decry that holy crap we are boring. From the tail of the red finch to the beak of the turkey vulture, we find that our hobby is so boring that even toddlers fall asleep listening to us talk about it. Furthermore, we acknowledge the damage we’ve done to our fellow man by printing up books with birds in them. Honestly, it could have been done with one. And the 451 additional books we print each year are just the same book with a different cover. But as no one really reads them, it worked. Let it be known that on this day of June, we acknowledge that watching professional golf narrated by a glass of warm milk is more energizing than bird watching.
Earlier this year, bird watchers caused the deaths of 322 people aboard the pleasure cruise St. Greasy Peacock. This cruise traveled to the wild outdoor ranges of Alaska to find the elusive snark, the bird of legend.
Once the cruise made their destination, two bird watchers fell asleep. This was a problem as they were on the lookout for the snark. But given that the hobby is so boring that no one can possibly stay awake that long, the ship overshot its mark and crashed into an icepack. The lone survivor was a guest of a bird watcher who was in such a deep hibernation from listening to bird watching stories that the cold water did not affect him.
As a result of this terrible tragedy, bird watchers had to reconcile their past with their future. There was the infamous Chicago fire of 1871 where Ms. Maple nodded off after hearing someone talk about a cardinal, like that’s a big deal and not seen every spring. She set fire to the whole town rather than continue.
Leaders of the community had to finally concede that their hobby is boring–and surprising dangerous.
As a result of these terrible tragedies, new rules have been put in place to protect humanity from the scourge of bird watchers.
First, all bird watchers must be accompanied by a cat and a professional documentary crew. That way when they are out in the woods, at least some action might happen. Like, maybe the cat will climb into the tree and go all Pulp Fiction on the bird. And then we can use some CGI to put some aliens in the “found footage.” The hero will be the person that discovers that to truly love nature, you must love yourself. Netflix has already signed on for the deal.
The next rule is that bird watchers must adopt the rules of Fight Club.The first rule of bird watching is that you never talk about bird watching. The second rule of bird watching is that YOU NEVER TALK ABOUT BIRD WATCHING. Especially my mom, who has gone way too overboard with this crap. I don’t want to hear a 45-minute story about the robin you saw. I get it. I see robins all the time, too.
Finally, the bird watchers of America must publicly admit that they have never seen an exotic bird. Sure, maybe five percent of them have, but the rest are just making it up. “Well, I think it was the kakapo. I’m almost sure it was.” Look, there are like ten of those left in the world, and I’m sure it’s not hanging around the Mall of America. So stop making things up and just enjoy your hobby without telling any of us about it. Yes, we recognize that you love birds and watching them like some weirdo animal Peeping Tom, but it’s one of those hobbies that you should keep to yourself. Not even stamp collectors got the patience for this. So no more talking about bird watching.
The future of bird watching is up in the air at the moment. Mainly because none of us want to hear about it anymore. Give it a rest, Mom, and let me enjoy my cereal in peace. For the rest of the bird-watching community, they hope that their acknowledgment will go a long way to healing the rift between society and birds. They aren’t mad, but they are starting to get freaked out when the weirdest paparazzi keep following them around.