The Daily Mock
President Franklin on a 100 dollar money bill wearing a face mask

Breaking News! Coronavirus Infects Stock Market! 

New York, NY — The most valued member of our society, the Stock Market,  has now been infected with the notorious Coronavirus.  It is unknown if Mr. Market will pull through.  Rich people have begun to eat the poor in preparation for the upcoming apocalypse.

It was hoped that Mr. Stock Market would not be infested with the deadly virus, especially since absolutely no precautions were taken to safeguard it. They didn’t even bother trying to find the cheapest phone plans or figure out how to take advantage of the toilet paper shortage.

There was one guy that said maybe we should do something to protect our financial system in case of a global crisis.  He was quickly shot by Republicans and the murder was pinned on Nancy Pelosi

After losing over 26% of its value this week, it is unknown how much longer the Stock Market has to live.

How The Infection Spread

The infection seems to have taken root much like an STD.  Apparently, the head of the executive branch fucked the stock market without protection or any fiscal knowledge.  There was no consent.

Then he grabbed the market inappropriately and bragged about it in front of millions of people.  They were cool with that, apparently.  No one really knows why because usually admitting assault is a pretty big f**king career killer.

Things seem to work differently in Washington.

Once the infection was introduced, the Market began a quick and steady decline.  The thoughts and prayers vaccines do not appear to be working.  God help us all.

Is there Hope? 

In short, nope.  Sadly, we must prepare for the end times by hoarding toilet paper because for some reason that makes sense.  It’s not like we could use leaves like our ancestors.

Oh, we’ll have to eat each other but at least we will be able to wipe our bums.  Unless it rains and ruins all of our toilet paper.  If that day comes, there surely will be no going back because ew.

The best we can hope for now is that an election in November comes and baby boomers are too freaked out by large crowds to vote.  Not that it will matter, because those most immune to the virus still won’t show up.

But at least Gen X will always have their grunge music. As for the Stock Market, we can only wait and see if it recovers.  The outlook is not good.


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