General News

U.S. Military Now Offering Curbside Beatings

U.S. Military Now Offering Curbside Beatings

St. Louis, MO — During these difficult times, the U.S. Military is now offering curbside beatings.  As the President calls in the army to police a civilian population during a national pandemic, rest assured that all CDC guidelines are being followed. By coming together during these difficult times, we can …

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Evangelicals are Disappointed in the Rapture

Evangelicals are Disappointed in the Rapture

Nashville, TN—Evangelicals are up in arms.  The Rapture is here, the four horsemen rain through the sky, and yet, many Evangelicals are not happy with how the boss is currently running the Rapture. “He’s hurting the wrong people!” stated Jill Trailer.  “I mean, I prayed most of my life and …

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Teachers Claim Parents are Making Too Much Money

Teachers Claim Parents are Making Too Much Money

Dallas, Tx —Area teachers are petitioning Congress to actually cut stimulus funding for parents.  Parents are currently receiving $500 per child to help them transition from working parents to homeschooling parents. Teachers Unions claim that the money would be better spent on billboards that say “Ha, Ha, Who’s overpaid now?”  …

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ISIS Issues Work From Cave Guidelines

ISIS Issues Work From Cave Guidelines

Damascus, Syria — International terrorist group ISIS has issued new work from cave guidelines to its members.  With the global pandemic continuing to take a heavy toll on people of every nation, ISIS has decided that now is not the time to attack. “Wow, are you seeing what the virus …

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US Honors Essential Workers With Fruit Cake

US Honors Essential Workers With Fruit Cake

Omaha, NE — With the current pandemic raining down virus hellfire, the American public has become indebted to all the essential workers that have made our lives easier. To show our appreciation, the U.S. Government today announced a new program to honor these hard-working individuals. Doctors, nurses, first responders, grocery …

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