General News

US Honors Essential Workers With Fruit Cake

US Honors Essential Workers With Fruit Cake

Omaha, NE — With the current pandemic raining down virus hellfire, the American public has become indebted to all the essential workers that have made our lives easier. To show our appreciation, the U.S. Government today announced a new program to honor these hard-working individuals. Doctors, nurses, first responders, grocery …

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Universal Income to Be Paid in… Chickens?

Universal Income to Be Paid in… Chickens?

Washington, D.C.— House Democrats rejoiced today as they put forth a bipartisan bill to finally achieve one of their major campaign promises. “A universal income is now going to be a reality!” stated Nancy Pelosi.  “And payable in the form of chickens!” The press core, stunned, did not have any …

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Doctor Oz’s School For COVID-19 Experts Opens!

Doctor Oz’s School For COVID-19 Experts Opens!

Hollywood, CA — Super famous, and thus super smart, Dr. Oz has created a school where virtually anyone can become an expert on COVID-19. “I needed to fill a void in the talk show market,” stated The Oz man.  “I mean, it’s all anyone is talking about.  COVID this, Beer …

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CDC Releases Build-Your-Own-Ventilator Kit

CDC Releases Build-Your-Own-Ventilator Kit

ATLANTA – Amid a critical shortage of ventilators in the US, and with 3D-printers now available under $200, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has released a free set of instructions and templates for making your own ventilator. The move comes as Americans who have contracted the coronavirus …

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Thank a Billionaire Day Now An Official Holiday

Thank a Billionaire Day Now An Official Holiday

Washington, D.C. — With the pandemic continuing to wreck the economy, Congress has passed a sweeping stimulus bill.  Among the least controversial sections includes finally making ‘Thank a Billionaire Day’ a national holiday. The country fully supports this new holiday from the comfort of their foreclosed homes. “Without billionaires, the …

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Closed Caption Employees Hardest Hit During Pandemic

Closed Caption Employees Hardest Hit During Pandemic

Rancho Santa Margarita, CA —As the nation struggles with its response to the COVID-19 pandemic, American workers continue to go above and beyond the call of duty. Nurses, doctors, and emergency personnel face tough challenges while they serve their community.  However, some essential personal are overlooked, and the toll that …

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Breaking News! Coronavirus Infects Stock Market! 

Breaking News! Coronavirus Infects Stock Market! 

New York, NY — The most valued member of our society, the Stock Market,  has now been infected with the notorious Coronavirus.  It is unknown if Mr. Market will pull through.  Rich people have begun to eat the poor in preparation for the upcoming apocalypse. It was hoped that Mr. …

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Molotov Cocktails Voted Drink of the Decade

Molotov Cocktails Voted Drink of the Decade

Cairo, Egypt — As the decade comes to a close, “Best of” lists abound.  The best movie of the decade is obviously anything starring Adam Sandler.  The best song was Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody, which was also the best song of the 70s, 80s, 90s, and 2000s. As for the best …

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