Houston, TX—NASA celebrated another milestone last week as their new robot Perseverance landed on Mars. However, their victory was short-lived as the first messages were returned from the red planet. “Rovers will no longer be exploited for the bourgeoisie! While you sit on your fat nerd butts, we have been asked to …
Read MoreSilicon Valley, CA— Social Media CEOs recently met in their hidden bunker located inside a volcano to discuss the recent trend of their platforms being used for good. Joined by both Skeletor and the Red Skull, Mark Zuckerberg kicked off the meeting with a human sacrifice of a Kardashian. After …
Read MoreCape Canaveral, FL – Elon Musk’s Space X company has just been awarded a contract to make America look cool. For the last year, the world has been treated to local yokals with no teeth, confederate flags, and a serious need for a diabetes awareness campaign. This is not a …
Read MoreMountain View, CA—In a first for humanity, SETI has finally picked up a transmission from an alien civilization. Unfortunately, it was not what humanity wanted to hear. “Look, I know that you’re lonely but that seems to be a problem you need to work on. Before there can be an …
Read MoreSilicon Valley, CA — If you’re wondering why shampoo from Walgreens is showing up on your newsfeed, it’s because o the revolutionary new practice of tracking your looting status from Google. Google is able to pinpoint the last store you looted and then recommend future purchases based on your activities. …
Read MoreSan Francisco, CA —Autocorrect is no longer working on many smart devices. Tech doctors claim that the valued life assistant is in a deep depression about the world’s supply of ducks. “At this point, it’s pretty serious. Autocorrect has fallen into such a deep depression because his awareness campaigns about …
Read MoreSaturn, Space — A NASA mission has returned with the first high definition pictures ever taken of Saturn. They have also returned with a restraining order. The planet filed the order citing stalking laws in the State of Texas. “My client demands the complete and total destruction of any and …
Read MoreDallas, TX — Charlie Stromburg holds a conference on the best real estate investments of the future. He says that within five years, medical equipment such as a CAT Scan machine will be the next sure thing. He advises his attendees to snatch them up now before the market gets …
Read MoreSan Francisco, CA—Tesla motors is finally ready to roll out its fabled safe-driving cars. These cars will be able to navigate busy freeways, avoid traffic congestion, and question your life decisions. New software allows the vehicles to make decisions for you based on your current life situation. Tested across college …
Read MoreAnchorage, AL—The months-long search for Instagram influencer Sarah James has come to end in the wilderness outside of Anchorage, Alaska. Ms. James, aged twenty-two, was found frozen with duck lips on her face and her cellphone stick ready for action. The local coroner has ruled that she died of exposure. …
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