The Daily Mock
man contemplates how he will vote

Centrist Voter Unsure If Murder Is OK Now

Des Moines, IA — With a tight election predicted this year, each major political party is trying to court every vote imaginable.  Both the Republican and Democratic parties have their rigid bases, those that will never waver in their support.

However, it’s not the gun-toting rednecks or the pot-smoking hippies that decide the next election.  It’s the undecided voter that is the most coveted. “Well,” says undecided voter Sheila Brigham, “I like how both parties scream and yell at each other, but I don’t like paper towels.  That just seems wrong to me.  Wasteful.”

At issue with undecided voters is that many believe they are centrist.  They like a little bit of both parties.  Thus, they look closely at the issues they care about and then randomly decide to have convictions.  It is a voting block that has confused generations.

Where To Get The Votes

This voting season, centrist voters will look at the actions of each political party to help them make a decision.  On the Republican side, they have noticed how President Trump has pardoned a convicted war criminal who has been accused of killing children.

They also point to the mass pardons by the ex-governor of Kentucky Matt Bevin, who released murders and convicted pedophiles.

“I like how the Republican Party is courting the murder vote now.  That makes me feel less bad about myself.  So I think murder is ok now, but only if you really didn’t mean it.  Or if you did, at least you didn’t mean to get caught,” Sheila Brigham stated.  “But on the other hand, Florida felons just got the right to vote as well.

So there was probably some murder in that grouping, too.  I think the overall message is that it’s time for the purge.  I’m O.K with that.”

Deciding Between Bernie VS. Trump

During the last election, many Bernie Sanders voters switched to team Trump when Senator Sanders lost the Democratic primary.  Here is our interview with Mrs. Brigham at that time:

Interviewer:  “What made you switch from Sanders to Trump?”

Brigham:  “Well, I really thought they were the same overall.”

Interviewer:  “That’s the dumbest thing I have ever heard.”

Brigham:  “What’s their stance on murder?  I want to go with the one that is ok with murder.”

Interviewer:  “Well done, you’ve topped yourself.  Now that is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”

Regardless of the outcome, it is clear that supporting murder is going to be the deciding factor in this year’s election.