The Daily Mock

Cryogenically Frozen Baby Boomers Vow to Return to Ensure Earth’s Demise

Baby boomers, cryogenically frozen,  vow to return once climate fixes itself to ensure its destruction.

Fort Myers, FL— Nestled behind the medical supply store in a no-name strip mall, is Ray’s Freezerino’s.  Nondescript with a large sign in the window advertising 25% for those born before 1961, a passerby would never believe that this little business was at the center of revolutionary technology.

Many Are Choosing this Option

Baby boomers are now able to become cryogenically frozen and many are choosing to do so.  For what reason?  The Earth’s climate is getting aggressive, and they vow to continue the fight just like their daddies fought the Nazis.

“We can’t trust the younger folk, with all their planking and yoloing.  It’s bootstrap time,” said sixty-eight-year-old Ronny “Knobbly” Williams.

“Back in my day, the environment knew its place.  And when it didn’t, we set a river on fire.  That showed them.  Woodstock was the pinnacle of all music festivals.  I was there back in ’59.  Yes, it was in 1959.”  Knobbly didn’t explain what Woodstock had to do with the environment.

Over the last several decades, there can be no argument about how the almost greatest generation has subdued their surroundings.  Supplied with the proceeds of their parents’ hard work, they were able to pollute the atmosphere more efficiently than any other generation before them.

The Biggest Problem

The problem is now that the Earth has begun to fight back, opening a new front in the war against the living.  The Ozone layer is predicted to repair itself by 2050 and baby boomers are ready to counter.

By freezing themselves, they give the Earth a chance to become overconfident.  And when it does, the boomers will be unfrozen to continue their holy war and bring the pain.

“Oh, we all got together on the 19th hole and talked it over.  Drum circled the whole thing,” said Knobbly.  “And there’s just no helping it.  The propaganda machine is working on young people.  All they talk about now is closing down the coal mines and clean air.

What kinda man is clean air going to make out of you?  I’ll tell you, a weak one that breathes too much, that’s the kind.  So we gonna freeze ourselves and come back and finish it off once and for all!”

The incredible cost of freezing and storing an entire generation of people has been charged to the boomer’s children.  Gen-Xers refused to comment.


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