Ames, IA — In an election shocker, darkhorse candidate Bernie Buttigieg has been declared the winner in the Iowa Caucus! This comes as quite a surprise because up until the announcement of his win, no one was aware that Mr. Bernie Buttigieg was even running.
DNC officials cannot find any record of the candidate in any of their apps. At this point, they are not sure if he is indeed running, if he’s a registered Democrat, or if he’s even alive.
We were able to track down Mr. Bernie Buttigieg’s widow and have confirmed that he used to reside in Tempe, Arizona.
“Old Bernie B. Would just be so happy to know that he won the Iowa caucus. His last words to me were ‘Mabel, if I can just win that Iowa caucus in 2020, I’ll feel like my life meant something.’ Well, he died a moment later from an unrelated scorpion accident. Never knew what bit him.”
How Iowa Picks the Caucus Winners
As we all know by now, the Iowa caucus is handled in a very organized and scientific way. To vote for your candidate, each person must arrive at the caucus site in a 1972 Ford F-100. Only the color blue is allowed, and only if the windshield has been replaced by a hunting rifle.
Then, after everyone has arrived, votes are taken by prairie dog yips. We asked if hamster yips would suffice, but caucus members became offended and insisted only prairie dog yips were acceptable.
Should there be a tie, Joe Biden will run into the room and tell the people who they should vote for besides himself. Finally, the votes will be tallied using a painstaking process involving corn oil and lobbyists paid for by Micheal Bloomberg. At the end of the day, no one will know who won so they’ll just randomly draw names.
Mr. Bernie Buttigieg is obviously connecting with the people.
Next state: New Hampshire
With the surprising win, reporters all over are running to try and get more history on Mr. Bernie Buttigieg. He seems to have sold birdhouses made out of scrap metal for the majority of his career. President Trump came out swinging this week and gave him a nickname.
“IF OLD DEAD BERNIE BUTTERS THINKS HE CAN BEAT ME THAN I’M GOING TO HAVE HIM INVESIMIGATED BY RUSSIA!” Soon after, the KGB showed up to his widow’s house and shot her. The DOJ says they have no suspects at this time.