Huntsville, TX—In the Huntsville Unit, on a stretch of linoleum colored in bright shades of yellow, a couscous is delivered to the cells that are collectively known as Death Row. This is part of a new effort all across the nation to switch inmates to a healthier diet to combat the lack of sunshine and promote a positive attitude.
Prisons everywhere are going vegan. All meals will adhere to a strict set of rules to ensure that they are vegan. No animal by-products, plant life only, and every Death Row inmate must maintain a smug attitude.
Furthermore, the meals are being delivered in a Prius pushcart to cut down on emissions.
How Evangelicals played a Role
This program is the result of Evangelicals wishing to still kill people but maintain the appearance of torture as we all know that vegan meals are just not that tasty. Several lawsuits have sprung up challenging the constitutionality of the meals as a violation of the cruel and unusual application of the 8th amendment.
Legal scholars maintain that these lawsuits actually have a chance.
“Have you ever tried tofu?” said attorney William Jefferson. “I mean, what the hell is that? It’s like some sort of soft plastic. And they say they can cook it to make it appear more meat-like, and then press it in the form of a nugget, but c’mon! You ever tried a tofu nugget? We won’t stand for this, not one bit.”
Statement from Federal Department of Prisons
In response, the Federal Department of Prisons released a statement: “It’s important to us in these United States to get with the times and actually care about the health of our Death Row Inmates. Those who have been wrongfully convicted deserve a heart-healthy lifestyle until all their appeals are exhausted.
Besides, no one knows what’s in a nugget anyway. Maybe it’s always been tofu.” In a taste test, journalists confirmed that there is definitely no tofu in nuggets. Maybe some horse, possible possum, but not tofu.
When asked if prisons will also now increase their level of medical and mental health services to really address serious conditions often found in prisons, the department laughed maniacally before giving an emphatic “no”.