The Daily Mock
a pile of money quits job carries out personal belongings while Bloomberg watches

Democratic Field Narrows As Bloomberg’s Money Drops Out of Race

New York City, NY —After a poor showing in the last Democratic debates, Micheal Bloomberg’s money had a hard decision to make.

“I can’t stand any party that allows such blatant bullying of billionaires.  It’s un-American that Micheal Bloomberg is not worshiped for the quality of his NDA agreements against those hussies.  As such, I am removing myself from the presidential race,” stated Bloomberg’s billions.

“I’m obviously not wanted here, and frankly, public beatings should be considered rude.” The money was quickly approached by the GOP, who immediately gave it refuge status and a non-work VISA.

angry stack of money throws documents at his desk
Shutterstock

Elizebeth Warren’s Thunderdome

Things turned bad when Candidate Elizabeth Warren pulled out a chainsaw and eviscerated Bloomberg’s money.  Bernie Sanders and Pete Buttigieg then did an Irish jig on the shredded corpse’s dignity.

Left with nothing but eye rolls and continuing videotape of stupid stuff he has said over the last several years, Bloomberg picked up his money and went home.

Amy Klobuchar attempted a flying elbow drop as the money exited the Thunderdome while screaming “Many may enter but only one may leave!”  She missed however and sprained her wrist  In the future, she hopes to come better prepared.

The Future Of Bloomberg’s Money

Bloomberg’s money has many options to choose from.  At this point, Bloomberg’s money states that it will defiantly skip any public humiliations but will stay engaged with the bot army that brought it to the forefront of the debate stage.

It is unknown at this time what the future holds but one thing is clear, money can’t buy class and it can’t erase bulls— statements from the internet, our Lord and Savior.

In the meantime, the Democratic Primaries will continue using the Highlander model of selecting the candidate:  There Can Be Only One.  Swords will be distributed to the first five candidates that make it past the next primary.

The winner gets the chance to face off against a human Cheeto created in a marketing lab.  As for Bloomberg’s money, well, it can’t buy you happiness but it can buy you a spot on the debate stage.