Easter Egg Town, U.S.A—The Easter Bunny has given up on trying to collect any unemployment since his job ended in April.
“I’ve called, and I’ve called, and I’ve called,” the Easter Bunny said. “But all I get is a busy signal. And on the few times that I’ve gotten through, I was told that my application was still being processed.”
This is a story that thousands of people can relate to since the start of the pandemic has sent the service economy spiraling. Long hold times for those that need help have overwhelmed the system that was intentionally designed to crash. And as a result, people have been unable to get the help they need.
“I’ve got kids that need insulin and carrots! Thoughts and prayers aren’t going to pay for those,” said the Easter Bunny. “So, I’ve gotta do what I gotta do. I’m not happy about working long hours for half the pay, but what am I supposed to do?”
The final straw for the Easter Bunny was when he received a letter from the unemployment office stating that he has used his benefits. The obvious clerical error will take a year to sort out. Until then, the Easter Bunny is entering the gig economy.
The Easter Bunny’s first job was delivering food, a job that he was uniquely qualified for. However, he was fired after the health department determined that animals were not allowed to handle food. “Oh, I’m good enough to deliver your chocolate but not your Pad Thai?” the Easter Bunny stated. The tips were good, but the Easter Bunny had to move on.
The Easter Bunny next tried to become a freelance editor and help writers realize their dream of publication. However, his natural jovial attitude made it very difficult to connect with his clients about his edits. He often used pastel colors to mark mistakes, which writers took to mean that he liked the work.
As a result, his reputation on Upwork has tanked and he is unable to obtain any more clients through that platform.
A great opportunity came along when the Easter Bunny was offered a position teaching foreign students English. The work was steady, paid well, and could be done online from home. For a while, the Easter Bunny was able to catch up on his bills.
However, when his students learned that he was a fictional character, they stopped believing him and the job disappeared. Mr. Bunny is now facing eviction from his burrow.
Like many trying to find a way to make a living in the gig economy, Mr. Bunny then tried to educate himself by attending a free 3-day seminar on the real estate market. Mr. Bunny reports that it was a good class; however, he was required to buy leads and videotapes to truly learn the great secrets.
After spending $10,000, Mr. Bunny realized that all the leads were nothing more than Easter Grass: plastic and fake.
One of the quickest gigs to jump into is multi-level marketing–we swear they aren’t pyramid schemes. Mr. Bunny invested the rest of his money into a diet supplement that would make people look great! He bought three tons of the product and then attempted to sell the supplement to everyone he’d ever met.
He then realized that if he recruited more people, the money would flow up! As it stands now, Mr. Bunny has no more friendships as he slid into one too many DMs. But he still has the product, however, and the company he was working with has since gone out of business.
The Easter Bunny has fallen on hard times and now spends his days crafting eggs for his Etsy shop. Some days, he makes enough money to buy a bit of lettuce or a drop of medication. His eggs are beautifully handcrafted, but outside of the holiday season, they are not in high demand.
He did T-Shirts for a while until Walmart stole his designs and sold them as originals. He continues to contact the unemployment office but until that day comes, if you need a nicely colored egg, please visit his shop and order a dozen or two.