Nashville, TN—Evangelicals are up in arms. The Rapture is here, the four horsemen rain through the sky, and yet, many Evangelicals are not happy with how the boss is currently running the Rapture.
“He’s hurting the wrong people!” stated Jill Trailer. “I mean, I prayed most of my life and loved me some Jesus! And I’m still stuck here. I don’t know what I’m going to do if I’m not raptured soon. This is no way to treat a white American.”
It is true that the end times have been confusing for many.
Forest fires in Australia, a church burning down, murder hornets on their way. Although the plagues and pestilence are to be expected, what wasn’t expected was that they would affect everyone, including those that won’t ever shut up about the Rapture.
As of this printing, Evangelicals have come up with a new plan. Prior, they screamed about the rapture which took time away from not helping the world in literally any other way.
That strategy does not seem to have paid off. The world is still a sh-thole, but it’s worse because the Evangelicals are still here.
Starting today, Evangelicals plan a mass protest to get the Lord’s attention. They will gather in large spaces without masks and cough in each other’s faces. Then they will go to grocery stores, concerts, and restaurants to bring the word and disease to many nonbelievers.
They will ramp up their missionary work as well by knocking on your door to hand-deliver the pestilence directly to your home. Think of it as Uber Eats but with more death.
For those remaining after the plagues and insects can expect other horrific calamities to befall them. Income inequality may get better, children will be let out of cages, and a fully-funded healthcare system will be put into place.
With the end of days policies like that, we can all only hope that Evangelicals are not around to see it. America will truly be great again with increased mental health outcomes and a distinct lack of machine guns. God speed, Evangelicals. God speed.