Expose! Proper Pandemic Profiteering: The PPP of Big Business

Expose! Proper Pandemic Profiteering: The PPP of Big Business


Kansas City, MO—Here at The Daily Mock, investigative journalism is our bread and butter.  There are so many questions that a free press needs to answer.  Is the Earth Flat and if it is, how much crow are we going to have to eat from those nut job Flat Earthers?

Taylor Swift—reincarnated goddess?  And today, can you make money during a worldwide pandemic and still screw over people?  Here we take a deep dive and are ready to take a pepper ball to the face to get the answer.

Toys and Games For Pandemic Fun!

If you’re not taking candy from a baby, are you even trying?  That is the motto of many individuals who have the sense to cash in on the complete hopelessness many kids feel.  The best seller is the COVID-19 Paint by Virus!

This fun little game gives you a map of the US where you and your child can paint where all the new hot spots are.  Good luck, Florida!  For the girls, Nutty Nancy is the only doll to have.  She comes complete with a list of reasons she doesn’t have to wear a mask.

Finally, the hot new toy for Christmas is Grandma’s knitting supplies.  She won’t need them anymore since no one practiced social distancing.  Great job everyone, really great job.

The Revolving Factory Game

If there is anyone that can make money, it’s factory business owners.  From warehouses to production plants, owners have discovered a resource that pays huge.  A human life is BIG business and owners of the countries production have a way to cash in.

Keep that product moving by having a revolving door of labor.  When one gets sick, fire them and cut off their insurance.  With 26 million people unemployed, it’s super easy to replace them.

And since the ones that were fired don’t live long, they can save tons on unemployment.  Don’t worry, you’ll still have chicken on the table at only three times the cost.  And when you’re not providing any personal protective equipment, there are always more people to exploit.

Riot Gear R Us

The riot gear makers are cashing in huge.  When you need to make money off people’s misery, what better way than to create your own market?  Police Departments have millions in tanks to protect and the best way to keep your tanks safe is through the judicious use of rubber bullets.

But hold up, you’re only selling into half the market.  It is widely accepted that the best way to protect yourself from riot gear is more riot gear.  The protestor group is a huge untapped market that riot gear manufactures are starting to look at.

If done right, both these markets will support each other forever or until the President is voted out of his bunker.

The Seized Economy

Every entrepreneur knows that selling your wares is only half the battle.  Overhead is the real killer.  Jared Kushner has figured out the perfect way to control overhead while also controlling the market.  If you seize the necessary equipment during a pandemic, then it’s free!

The business plan is to just sit back and have the NSA monitor PPE sales.  Wait until the necessary masks and equipment are ordered and swoop in right at the point of delivery.  No trial, no due process, no overhead.  It’s a guaranteed money maker.

And since the US Government is the authority, who are states going to complain to?  I’m sure the inspector generals will get right on that just after they are done being fired.

Sure, the states can eventually sue but by that time most of the witnesses will be dead from the virus exposure and the Kushner will be out of office anyway.

The Mo’ Money Bailout

If there is one thing that you can be sure of as a big corporation is that you are free to make tons of terrible decisions and still come out with tons of money.  In this case, the Small Business Administration is a rip fat big ready to be corporate raided.

If you can find a way to reclassify yourself as a small business, millions are there.  Maybe the accounting department is a small third party vendor that needs a cool 10 million to keep running.  That’s at least a yacht payment.

And small businesses are so hard hit during the pandemic, can they even afford lawyers or bribes to congressmen?  Nope.  When you need a bailout, your bought congressmen are always there.

And don’t worry about oversight or being publicly outed as a money-hungry douche canoe.  The guy whose job it was to make sure the program was running right was fired a long time ago.  That’s your corporate tax dollars hard at work if you had paid any in the first place.