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Facebook on Election Security:  “Look, we’re doing as little as possible, what more do you want?”

Silicon Valley, CA— Facebook has come out this week promising that they will almost do something to not sway the election this November.  This is a big promise from the algorithm that masquerades as CEO Mark Zuckerberg.

Historically, Facebook liked to pretend that their multiple platforms weren’t used by Russians and other foreign agents.  However, when the thumbs-up icon appeared in Russian, it was hard to maintain that argument.  As a result, they promise a whole series of half efforts to make sure that this election is not decided by social media upvotes.

No Election Advertisements

Facebook has promised that they will not run election advertisements a week before the election, well after most mail-in ballots have been filled out. The fine print also shows this to mean that they won’t run any NEW ads, but the old ads are still good to go.

As a result, they are able to raise a load of new advertising revenue the week before the election that will count as old ads.  This premium ad time will be as expensive as a super bowl commercial to run.  But again, thanks for almost trying!

Identify Bot Accounts

Facebook also promises to acknowledge the existence of robotic accounts.  In fact, they’ve asked for these accounts to be recognized as free citizens and given the right to vote Republican.  They’ve already been emailed electronic ballots when have been pre-filled.  With this new citizenship comes new responsibilities, such as ignoring that bot accounts exist in any fake sense.

Fact-Checking

When a person posts a fact that is wrong, Facebook promises not to notice for a really, really, really long time.  Once it does come to their attention, they promise to put a gold star in the right corner of the fake fact.

It is hoped that this new designation will alert users that the post is lying and shouldn’t be trusted, while at the same time protecting the massive amounts of revenue the fake fact brings in.  It really is the best of both worlds in terms of election security.

Hate Speech

Facebook stands by its first amendment commitment to allow any and all speech on their platform up to the point where it hurts Trump’s chances for re-election.  They encourage large groups of white supremacists to continue to use their platform to organize outside of their mother’s basements.

Their new initiative also opens up the Facebook basement where these people can get together for cake, punch, and publish their bullshit.

Acknowledgment of Alien Invaders

Facebook states that the rumors are true, the alien overlords are on their way.  Zuckerberg and company expect the take over to be quick and almost painless for the rich.  However, they warn that as we submit to our new rulers, the rumor of Russians using their platform to turn the election is a fantasy.

Mole people at the center of the Earth?  Totally legit and working with the aliens.  Old KGB operatives spreading false information?  Lies!  Lies, I tell you!

Porn

Facebook will continue to ban porn that they have already seen.  New content is good to go but not the week of the election.

Monetizing Content

Facebook also pledges to continue monitoring the content of others and encourages others to steal all the videos, writing, and other artwork to post on their pages.  At this point, Facebook will slap an advertisement over it and get paid on a pay per view basis.

When asked what this has to do with election security, Mr. Zuckerberg said “Nothing, really, I just want to remind everyone how we are d*cks.”

This next election cycle, a lot hangs in the balance and Facebook may play a pivotal role.  But probably not.  Whatever no one cares.  However, if it would make everyone feel better, they will ban that one guy that threatened to kill all the protestors.

Maybe.

Ok, probably not, but they almost did at a meeting at the corporate office and that should be good enough.

Until the election, Facebook states that they take their responsibilities pretty seriously but if you want to know more, please visit their home page first and agree to their terms and conditions such as access to your private information.

Pssst….

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