Austin, Tx—With the recent power outages in Texas that resulted in customers being without electricity for days, the State of Texas has decided to fire the power grid CEO and place him in charge of the Texas FDA. The move seems to be right in line with the Republican brand.
“Look, we are doing a great job in dealing with the overpopulation problem that Texas has,” stated Governor Gregg Abbot who also masquerades as the specter of death in his spare time.
“We are taking quantitative steps, beginning by getting rid of the mask mandate. This is survival of the fittest. That means if you have enough money to fly to Cancun when your people freeze, that’s the kind of guy we want. I don’t even know who the CEO of the power grid was, but that seems like my kind of guy. Let’s make it happen!”
Governor Abbot then punched some Covid orphans.
As the Texas FDA isn’t connected to the federal FDA, there are a lot of changes coming to how your food and pharmaceuticals are handled.
Nothing says delicious like rat feces in your Texas Hamburger. This is the first change the Texas FDA will make. 50% rat feces is approved in your meat products.
However, the consumer will save up to two cents per pound. These savings can now be used to pay off your $16,0000 electric bill. When you want a rat feces burger, make sure it’s a Texas burger.
Many medications will now be replaced with God Skittles. This Hope and a Prayer initiative is designed to save pharmaceutical companies billions and be a boon to the funeral home industry. Each Skittle will come from a governmentally approved prayer circle and then substituted for random medications.
Everyone knows that medications don’t work anyway and if you have Placebo God in your life, you have nothing to fear.
Just in time for summer beach season, the FDA has approved straight crude oil for use as a suntan lotion. Nothing gets that sun-kissed skin looking better than a little oil directly from a gulf coast oil spill. Does it cause cancer? Probably.
What about black lung? Oh, for sure it does. But the Texas FDA assures its citizens that they just don’t care. As long as that oil money keeps rolling in, BP can do what it wants.
Anyone that has seen an X-man movie knows that chemicals can change your DNA in the most amazing ways. Therefore, the FDA has approved any and all pesticides in the hopes to get superfoods that can save the state the next time the power grid goes out.
Or failing that, at the least a supervillain that can be scapegoated. Nuclear waste is a great start, but with modern advances in science, why not something worse? Or better. We meant better.
Regulations have kept many beneficial medications and cosmetics coming to the market in a timely manner. Therefore, in a move that animal rights people love, all trials will now be done on humans in need of electricity.
The more that eye shadow burns, the more heat you can have for your home. However, you may be charged for any side effects. To apply, do absolutely nothing the Texas FDA is putting it in your water anyway.
Finally, the state has decided to disband the Texas Power Grid and put all of its functions under the FDA. The previous CEO was fired for putting profits over the needs of the people. The new CEO of the FDA promises that this will not happen. Probably. Maybe just a little bit. It really depends on who’s watching.
There are great things ahead for Texas and its citizens with the new Texas FDA. This move has the Ted Cruz endorsement and he stands ready to help anyone else but you.
Finally, the free market is cut loose of its restraints and the citizens of Texas can finally fight it out with each other. The results of the Texas Hunger Games will be broadcast live. All proceeds will benefit Sean Hannity.