The Daily Mock

Flying Squirrel Challenges Human Wingsuit to Death Race

Grand Canyon, NM — Humanity has pushed nature out of the way and there we all knew there would come a time when nature decided to push back. Today is that day as Chester, a flying squirrel out of New Mexico, has challenged a man wearing a human wingsuit to a death race.

Experts in human/animal relations are not surprised, it was only a matter of time before the creatures of the Earth decided that some secrets are best left to them.

Rules of The Race

As expected with any death race, there are only a few rules.  Each contestant must glide and no artificial motor can be used.  The winner will be whichever species survives at the finish line.  Cheating is encouraged and as such, referees from the World Wrestling Federation have been obtained.  They are often open to acts of distraction, something that Chester is counting on as the human wingsuit will have more mass.

Expect help from the animal kingdom to distract the officials with a cheetah/monkey rom-com taking place shortly after the race begins.

For the human participating, Phillip out of Des Moines, sports enthusiasts are hoping that he will utilize man’s greatest weapon: climate change.  He has opened up several coal factories near the racing site with the hopes of giving Chester a case of the black lung before the race.

What’s at Stake

This is no friendly wager between competitors.  With both participants making the cover of Time Magazine and Nut Digest, anticipation is high.  It has been made even higher by humans and animals agreeing to a winner take all prize.

Whichever species is able to cross the finish line first will retain the movie rights to this spectacular spectacle.  This will allow the winner to paint themselves as the underdog and the loser as a maniacal fanatic hell-bent on destroying the planet.  The licensing rights will make billions and the Instagram account will be very popular.

The loser also agrees to a rematch when both participants reach the age of seventy-five or the squirrel equivalent, so we can all do this once again.