Washington, D.C.—In a show of unity for the country, the White House cafeteria is joining with both the current and past administration to create theme weeks to celebrate America. It is hoped that the country will be able to find common ground in food, which is the basic strength of our country.
If there is anything that America loves to do, it is to stuff our faces.
“Well, you see,” stated Head Chef Monsieur Ronald McDonald, “it is in the food that we channel our rage. And when that rage is simmered over a low temperature and dashed with an extra bit of entitlement, a soufflé of beauty is born.”
Chef McDonald hopes you enjoy his menu.
This week’s menu begins with stuffed shrimps served over a bitter sauce. These tiny little appetizers are only enough to wet the pallet as the salad arrives, Kentucky Grass Spring.
The salad is noted for its ability to masquerade as a normal patriotic salad, however when deconstructed one can see that it’s really just grass. Finally, the main course will be Buffalo Burgers. It’s the lack of a pardon that truly makes this burger standout.
Who’s ready to take fine dining up a notch! The meal will begin with a firework display at each table.
It continues as the main course arrives: Steak, Medium Rare. Served on Nancy Pelosi’s stolen laptop, guests will dig in while videos from Parler play in the background as accompanying music.
For dessert, ice cream sundaes made from Devin Nunes’ Cow will be topped with cherries.
What goes better with a meal than a science-based action plan implemented by subject matter experts to combat a national pandemic. This week, the White House Cafeteria will serve deconstructed Chicken A La King.
One-part Chicken and three parts responsible decision making will be served upon white lab coats of all the hero’s that have studied the virus to give us a vaccine. Sip Champagne directly from Dr. Fauci’s beakers as he regals you with tales of appropriate infrastructure to distribute the vaccine.
This week, the White House cafeteria will pay tribute to that mythical time when fast food was served to guests of honor by a president. Two-ton king cabs will be your waiters for the evening as they haul in the high cholesterol fat patties served with a side of the country’s shame.
Did this really happen? Where we all dreaming? It doesn’t matter as you lose yourself to high blood pressure and diabetes. Take some cold fries home to share with your family!
Nothing makes sense with brunch week. Is it lunch? Is it breakfast? Who knows! That’s the beauty of the Q Brunch week. Leave reality behind and enjoy your flat-earth pancakes, my pillow omelets, or anti-vaccine sausages. Mix and match any conspiracy you want to create your very own menu!
It’s as fun as it is depressing as you sit down with family you haven’t seen for 4 years because they are finally taking their meds again. At Q Brunch week, it’s a fantasy fun land. Wash it all down with the new libation: The Storm! Dry Ice fizzles in cherry Kool-Aid. Drink all that Kool-Aid. Every. Last. Drop.
All sides of the country can agree that nothing gets down without the all-powerful executive order. In this week’s menu, begin your journey through culinary excellence with an infrastructure amuse-bouche, which is just a bite of reasonable governance. It’s not sexy, but it tastes fantastic.
Your entrée will be your choice of immigration reform, student loan deferment pot pie, or eviction moratorium pasta salad. Dig in and make sure you tip your server. Note: For this week, Congress is not allowed in the White House Cafeteria.
For this week, the White House cafeteria takes you on a journey all around the world. Enjoy Russian borscht served in the middle of the night. Turkey’s Turkey with a side of rights violation. And no meal is complete without the state secret fortune cookie.
Will you get the launch codes to America’s nuclear arsenal or just the name of all our spies? May fortune smile upon you as you enjoy your meal.
The White House cafeteria knows how much turmoil continues throughout the country. But they also know the power of a meal to bring a people together. Enjoy the unity that will now wash over the country as we all forget all the hate and illegal shit that has been thrown the last four years.