Las Vegas, NV —Rumored to have last been seen on a casino floor in 1952, Ghost Hunter experts Chris and Thaddeus have claimed that they have found America’s lost soul.
“I mean, there were rumors for years,” said Thad. “You could see bits of pieces of it, mainly when Bob Ross was on or Mr. Rogers was putting on his sweater. We kept checking it out, but by the eighties, trickle-down economics had pretty much consumed it like a burger wrapped in styrofoam.”
America’s soul appears to have completely been lost right around the time that Mr. Ollie North played swap the machine guns with the Middle East.
Can’t We Just Pray About It?
Chris and Thad state that praying used to work, because people used to ask for good things like peace on Earth. Now, it’s mostly about how they hate other people and how it would be just great if those other people could die in a hell surrounded by pitched forked demons. It’s some weird prayers.
Old men claimed that they once found America’s lost soul but then their leader banged a porn star while cheating on his third wife and they all kinda laughed about it and said it was no big deal. Have you seen that guy over there? Let’s hate him instead, not the obviously “good-natured” and “well-meaning” commander in chief.
“Yup, prayers is about the worst thing you can do at this point.”
How Did They Find America’s Lost Soul?
“Well, I says to Thad, look, if we just hunker down here next to this little child, I bet we can lure America’s soul back.” They tried that but then the baby died from a lack of health care and food. Prayers appear to have gotten to the soul yet again.
“Then, well, we started saying enough is enough. We started voting and helping people. That seemed like a good idea, so then we got rid of pre-existing conditions and things got a little better. Most of all though, we just went around telling people that blatant abuse of power is pretty bad, and I think it worked.”
As for now, it is too early to tell and their pictures remain fuzzy. Old men do like to hate.