Heaven—The Almighty has finally enlightened humanity with his biggest regret, the gender reveal party that created the big bang and led to the creation, and destruction, of countless souls. As He was led away in handcuffs for crimes against the universe, He admitted to his crime.
“It was just a bit of fun, really,” God said. “I mean, I thought the angels would like to see what would be created next. But one thing led to another and the next thing I know there is this huge explosion and honestly, things just got worse from there.”
God was able to expand on this statement as we visited with him outside of his cell.
“Who would have seen this one coming? At first, I thought a way to connect with people would be great. But then I remembered that people are jerks,” the Alpha and the Omega said.
He’s got a point. Given the choice between showing kindness or anonymously sending d*ck pics, people will also choose the latter. Pray requests through social media now include a checkbox confirming that there are no inappropriate images sent to Heaven. Coincidentally, most of these pictures come from Boston.
One of the most tragic consequences of the creation of the universe was the release of the movie Battlefield Earth, starring John Travolta. What should have been a nice lark of a sci-fi movie turned into an affront to morality.
The movie is so bad that it’s required viewing during Hell’s orientation process. When asked why this movie was allowed, God only wept.
God regrets all men named Steve. “F-ck you, Steve!”
That’s a direct quote.
God becomes uncontrollably angry when discussing this mistake. Several Steves burst into flames when He began speaking about health insurance tied to employment.
“How can they mess this up?” God said. “Help thy neighbor! That’s what this was supposed to be. When one has something plentiful, they should help those that do not. The poor, the wretched? Ever heard of them? I created this situation because I thought for sure it was common sense.
“I mean, hello, did you even see the branding campaign Jesus did on this sh-t? It’s gotten so bad that even I can’t afford my insulin, so I’ve been stealing it. Are you people happy? You’re making God steal, how can you live with yourself.”
“I was drunk,” admits God. “I got a little old school p-ssed so I was like, bam, suck on some bed bugs that you can never see and never get rid of. In hindsight, they seem a bit harsh.”
God denies any and all involvement with them. “You people did that to yourself, numbnuts.”
Often overshadowed in the wake of Kardashian drama, campaign finance in the U.S. remains one of the most horrible creations of our Lord and Savior. The process is so complicated that it’s become easy to get around. And with no one to regulate it, money freely flows from Hell’s bank account to whichever politician they choose. Even Steve.
This has created a situation where the wealthy are able to freely ignore the pleas of the poor and do whatever they want. When you break the law but elect the judges, there is no stopping the amount of Armageddon you can complete in an afternoon.
“Never, ever self-publish,” states God. “Or if you do, at least spend the money for a good editor. I’ll admit, it was my passion project. For the record, the War was supposed to be called Warm, like you would be nice and cozy during the apocalypse. That’s a lot less dire and offers a little bit of hope. So, yeah, typo.”
“I should have stopped them the first time I did them,” God yelled as they drug him away to his padded cell. “They’re stupid! Stop doing them! Didn’t you learn anything when I messed it up! For the love of Me, stop with the gender reveal thing. You get what you get, and you don’t throw a fit.
“Be happy that you’re blessed in the first place and quit burning down the forests!” It was at this point that several officers from the Boston PD, all with the name tag that said Steve, pulled out their nightsticks and beat him.
It appears that there are many things that God regrets but it’s finally nice seeing the long arm of the law finally crackdown on his crimes against humanity. We can only hope that his callous actions serve as a reminder to others, but it probably won’t because as of this writing, we have received 34,021 d*ck pics.