Silicon Valley, CA — If you’re wondering why shampoo from Walgreens is showing up on your newsfeed, it’s because o the revolutionary new practice of tracking your looting status from Google.
Google is able to pinpoint the last store you looted and then recommend future purchases based on your activities.
“I kept wondering why red hair coloring kept showing up on my YouTube ads,” said Phillip Stanley. “I mean, I’ve been bald for thirty years. Then I remembered at the protests this year I stepped inside the hair salon for the missus and stole her something special.”
It is common knowledge that Google routinely monitors its users’ private data and shopping habits. By combining that with their looting activities, Google is able to pinpoint user preferences even further.
Whether you’ve had to smash a window to get the latest shoes or raid social security funds, looting has become a popular past time in America. From the young to the old, the craze has swept the nation.
For example, Rep. Tom Cotton is able to fund his KKK initiative by looting the moral bankruptcy of his voters.
This extracurricular activity was once popularized in the 80s by Gordon Gekko. It was fashionable to leave people and businesses in ruins. As we all know, fads run in cycles and the pet rock of destruction is now back in style.
Google hopes to hop on this trend and increase their ad revenue. Along with your blood type, nostril size, and looting habits, they will be able to target customers like never before.
Google knows more about you than you do. For example, they know that your dress size is two sizes larger than what you looted and will immediately send you ads for diet pills.
They also know that you’re an opportunistic butthole who tries to co-opt a peaceful movement for your personal gain. That makes you the perfect target for police recruitment ads.
Using this knowledge, Google can often recommend future looting to make your life easier. So whether you are stealing a 45-inch plasma screen from a small business, or pension accounts that affect millions, your looting experience can be tailored to your needs.
Google also knows that your next child will be named Cheryl and she’s not really yours.