Washington, D.C. —With recent commuting of Roger Stone’s sentence, many GOPers are now advocating for a broader approach to criminal justice reform. Rather than trying to win new voters over with their death message, they believe they can turn the tide for the next election by adding brand new voters to the rolls.
GOP is Trying a New, Unique Approach
This unique approach to campaigning may actually work. To test out their theory, Mitch McConnel called in a doctor from John Hopkins for his opinion.
“Well, as you can see from this x-ray here of the majority of Congress,” stated Dr. Herbert Stone, “You’ll see that there is absolutely no backbone. None at all. We have never seen a case like this. What is especially concerning is that it seems to be rampant in the U.S. Senate. I mean, Jesus Christ, how is that even possible. In conclusion, yes pardoning convicted felons would appear to get the GOP new voters.”
Mitch McConnell then stood on the Senate floor and pooped on the American Flag. Fox News cheered. Beginning tomorrow, operation “Let’s Cheat!” goes into full effect. Here are a few examples of who President Trump will be pardoning.
“This guy! This is my guy!” stated President Trump as he gets the order ready. “I mean, this wackadoodle is a cult leader. He’s very fine people that I have a lot in common with. His followers will 100% vote for me.” The President’s advisors pointed out that Manson is dead but didn’t include pictures with their presentation so he didn’t understand.
Robert E. Lee
Next up on the list is the general that lead a rebellion against the United States. Not to be fooled, the President seemed taken aback with this choice. Not because General Lee is dead as again, no pictures, but why stop there? Every confederate will be pardoned by Wednesday and a parade will be held in their honor on July Fourth, 2021 to celebrate Trump’s victory.
Paperwork was presented to Trump pointing out that confederate soldiers were not actually convicts. However, that is a problem that a sharpie fixed quickly.
Mr. Steward is just a guy that wrote something nice about the President on the bathroom wall of Leavenworth Prison. He gets a pardon.
Convicted in 2005 as a war criminal, Mr. Graner was part of the now infamous Abu Ghraib prisoner abuse scandal in Baghdad where he pushed naked prisoners in the head until they were knocked out. This is the exact kind of voter the GOP wants for the next election.
Although Mr. Graner has served his sentence, he will go on a publicity tour this summer with the tag line “Let’s Knock The Democrats Out!” Then he will shoot some people because why not, nothing else matters anymore.
With the very real possibility that Attorney General Barr has obstructed justice, intimidated witnesses, threw trials, and sucked Micheal Flynn’s dick, Mr. Barr may be headed to jail. The President has decided to pro-actively pardon his chief henchman for any crimes he has committed while in the service of anyone other than the United States.
However, pardon’s only work for crimes that have been committed in the past. Thus, The President has a stack of daily pardons to cover everything from now until the election. In response, the Attorney General has begun a side hustle of robbing banks.
When the GOP suggested a pardon for Napoleon asked the only intelligent question that has left his mouth. Why would he pardon a French Warlord? “No, no,” stated his advisors. “Not that one. Napoleon from the book Animal Farm. He’s the despot pig that grows into a strong-arm dictator.”
“Say no more!” stated The President. “He’s very fine people.”
“This is a history-making pardon,” stated McConnell. “It’s the first active pardon for a fictional character of a book there is no way in heil Trump has read.
In unusual activity from the other side of the aisle, many Democrats have agreed with restoring voting rights to convicted felons. At that point, Congress was disbanded by people finally agreeing that wearing masks was a good idea as long as they get to wear them in honor of their leader.
Finally, Trump signed his last pardon which forgives any morally bankrupt individuals for voting for him.