Washington, D.C. — In a rare show of bipartisan support, 49 states have ratified a new amendment to the constitution. The nation celebrates as your right to a haircut has now been enshrined into the most revered document humanity has ever created.
“I don’t like being told when I can’t get a haircut!” stated Karen Karen from her ventilator. “I had roots showing and…” Mrs. Karen could not complete the interview because she is yet another victim of COVID-19.
The Hair Cut amendment movement began during the nation’s most unfashionable pandemic. Millions of Americans had to deal with exposed hair roots, two inches of extra hair, and bad social media profile pictures.
They stormed state capitals and hair salons declaring that hair cuts and styling are a basic human right, unlike healthcare. They proclaimed that it is such a fundamental right that they were willing to let other people die for it.
The Hippy Vote
The final bit of pressure that put the amendment over the top was the Hippy Holdouts. A splinter group from the 1960s that was characterized by being very dirty with long hair. Police often like to beat on them when there are no minorities around.
With no one getting haircuts over the last two months, the police accidentally beat long-haired Americans, mistaking them for hippies. All it took was one Karen beating broadcast in an Instagram Story to get the nation behind the Hair Cut Amendment.
The video could be seen from hospital beds everywhere as the pandemic’s second wave went into full force. Without the ability to tell the difference between hippies and normal Americans, it was a risk that the government was willing to take.
The Split Ends of The Amendment
Hair Cuts are now a protected right. As is styling, shaving, and any activity designed to make older women look better. Bald men were left out of the amendment and must wax their noodles without any protection.
The amendment does not cover restaurants, movie theaters, or beaches. However, it is expected that these will soon be separate amendments but only if America ponies up for their massive medical bills received from the treatment of pneumonia.