Washington, DC — This week’s impeachment proceedings kicked off in the House of Representatives. In a change from normal protocol, at Republican request, Chairman Adam Schiff has decided to allow toddlers to ask questions. Although unusual, the procedural move seems to not have had any effect on the outcome of the proceedings.
Representative Timmy O’Malley from Rise and Shine Daycare kicked off the questions on Wednesday morning. “If I tell Susie to punch Johnny in the face or she doesn’t get my cookie, is that considered quip pro low?”
“Um, I believe that the term you are looking for, little Timmy, is quid pro quo,” responded George Kent, the Deputy Assistant Secretary for European and Eurasian Affairs. “And, yes. That would be quip pro low.”
“Thank you, Mr. Bowtie. I yield the floor.”
Next up was Susie Rings, also from Rise and Shine Daycare. “I pooped my pants. I have no further questions for this witness.”
The last toddler to ask a question during the hearing was Rep. Micheal Turner, from Ohio but attends DC Future Stars Daycare.
“I’ve been elected to come here and yell rather than ask a question! And, by God, that’s what I’m going to do? Don’t you think it’s fair that I get a chance to yell because I love a good rant? It sells books! Eventually, I’m going to grab me one of those sweet lobby jobs. Who wouldn’t want a lobby job! That will make my book sell. Who here knows how to publish a book?”
“I would like to answer that question,” responded Mr. Taylor, the top diplomat in Ukraine.
“Wait. I only have five minutes,” stated Toddler Turner.
“But you asked a question during your rant and I would like to answer it, thus eating the rest of your time.”
“I withdraw the question! I wasn’t being serious. It was just a rant!”
“I would still like to answer the question asked. You see, book publishing is a very long and complicated process…” began Mr. Taylor.
“I withdraw the question!”
“…Often involving a wide array of people.”
“I pooped my pants.”
The American Public
We went to the streets to get the public’s reaction to the impeachment hearing. Most people polled could not tell the difference between a toddler meltdown and questions by esteemed members of Congress.
But for those who could, most decided that the toddler’s questions were more relevant than those asked by Jim Jordan.