Washington, D.C. — The impeachment proceedings took an unexpected turn this week as Republicans demanded trial by combat. Citing a law dating back to 1192, lawmakers made the case that all of our current laws are more based on tradition than actual constitutions.
“Well, we thought it was in our best interest to bring out weapons,” said Rep. Jeff Sessions who isn’t actually in Congress but for some reason won’t leave. “This is a simple issue. We all know that it is our right to bare arms. Not bear arms, as it says in the constitution which makes no sense because bears don’t have arms. I mean that it’s time for the Republicans to flex our muscle. Welcome to the gun show, baby!”
Democrats accept offer!
In a deft counterpunch, the Democratic leadership accepted the Republican’s offer for trial by combat. Congressmen quickly moved all the chairs out of the way and formed a circle in the middle of the House floor.
“When you can’t win by the facts of a case, the bully always resorts to violence,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “Honestly, we are surprised this hasn’t come up sooner. I mean, the President has literally admitted to breaking the law on many occasions. He even brags that he’s going to do it again. Those are the facts of this case, which makes a trial by combat their only out. Bring it.”
Vegas oddsmakers put the Republicans at a 2 to 1 favorite over the Democrats as there are so many pacifists.
The Fight Of The Century
The Republican committee used obscure parliamentary rules to nominate their champion as they rarely fight wars themselves. Often, they find it more acceptable to send others to do their network. It was indeed a shrewd move as they named Robert Mercer as their champion. They know that money is power and this 73-year-old man has a lot of money.
However, Democrats were ready for their moved and named Greta Thunberg, the 16-year-old climate activist to combat the billionaire. This turned out to be a death blow for Mercer as billionaires are unable to take any criticism from teenagers. Greta was able to verbally assault Mercer until he conceded, which took about three minutes. She still had time to do a presentation on the polar icecaps and drink a latte.
The next phase of impeachment will now move to the Republican Senate who didn’t realize that impeachment was even a thing.