Washington, D.C.— Senate bill 1278, which would repair the nation’s aging bridges, failed to pass the Senate this week as there were no celebrities willing to co-sponsor the bill. This, of course, led to a complete and total lack of interest.
Bills typically will not pass any section of Congress without garnering the appropriate celebrity hype. The final vote on the bill was 0 yea and 2 nays. The rest of the Senate was at Kim Kardashian’s brunch in support of a weight loss measure.
Senator Barney Jones (D) Missouri, author of the bill had this to say: “Wait, that was today? Well, shit.”
The Problem with Boring Bills
The bill died in the way that all necessary and boring bills do. Without a celebrity endorsement, everyone forgot about it. No celebrity saw a reason to support the bill and post it to Instagram. Without an unjust conviction or pyramid scheme, the nation’s A-Listers turned their cheeks on this very pedestrian bill.
Stars as George Clooney and Barney the Dinosaur instead gave their support for bringing back the Dodo, a bird now extinct for 300 years. There is hope to turn the dodo’s ground-up feet into a skin cream.
Senator Jones did attempt to acquire celebrity endorsements, however, the cost of the bill would have risen at least 50%, and the celebrity would retain all merchandising rights. Gwyneth Paltrow appeared to be an early supporter for the bill, but Senator Jones failed to show up for his required cameo in Avengers: Endgame.
Any further efforts to obtain an endorsement fell short.
Why Traditions Matter
There were two senators present for the initial floor vote. Senator Stevens (R) Idaho voted no as he misread the title of the vote as “Instruction Improvement” and thought it was an education bill. The other no vote was from the cranky old guy that sits next to the trashcan in the far corner of the Senate Floor. He always votes no, as is his tradition.
Senator Jones vows to reintroduce the bill once he is able to acquire the required endorsements. He vows to continue to work hard for the construction lobbyists that would greatly benefit from the passage of the planned infrastructure initiative.