The Daily Mock
eyes glow from cave

ISIS Issues Work From Cave Guidelines

Damascus, Syria — International terrorist group ISIS has issued new work from cave guidelines to its members.  With the global pandemic continuing to take a heavy toll on people of every nation, ISIS has decided that now is not the time to attack.

“Wow, are you seeing what the virus is doing to the Great Satan?” stated ISIS spokesman Chuck.  “I mean, look at it!  It’s like they have no clue what they are doing at all!  I had to call the White House the other day and say ‘Hey Trumpy, are you on our side?  Because I didn’t get that memo’.

“Anyway, I bought a floor in Trump Tower and that’s where I’ll be sheltering in place. My man says we’re cool now.  He’s got this, just sit back and watch him work.”

Guidelines

ISIS has taken a proactive stance to protect their religious whackadoodles.  Leave your cave only for essential beheadings, and should you go out, wash all remaining body parts with soap and dirty water.

They also recommend you make your own masks next to your homemade bombs.  It’s a simple matter of using detonator cord as mask holders and not dying until you set off your suicide vest.

In the meantime, ISIS recommends tuning in to every White House Briefing and laughing with the rest of the world as the administration does your job for you.

Some terrorists are eligible to apply for unemployment benefits through the Small Business Administration, but only after billion-dollar companies get their cut first.

Safety First

Our greatest strength is when we come together to shout at each other.  ISIS recommends attending any protests in the US.  You can spot these protests by following the white dudes carrying the guns you’ve sold them.

They will almost always lead you straight to a state capital.  Make sure you keep at least six feet of distance between you and their mental illness.  When they storm the capital, take pictures for social media propaganda.

Make sure that you release the photos under the hashtag #NewIsis.  At no point should you attempt to verbally engage with New Isis as they speak a language that only they can understand.

Should the protest start to die down, point out that it would be a good time to all go get your hair done, and then meet up at Ruth’s Chris for a nice American steak.  That will urge them to continue to protest not dying.

Pssst….

The Daily Mock is a satire site meant purely for entertainment purposes. Always vet your news sources and under no circumstances take our word for it.