Columbus, OH — In a stunning turn of events, Kanye West has decided to drop out of the presidential race and instead run for Postmaster General of Columbus, OH. When informed that there is no such office, Mr. West didn’t let this reporter finish his question.
“She’s the greatest of all time!” he stated.
Mr. West did not clarify the statement. Mr. West then launched into what his administration would look like for the people of Columbus.
Mr. West’s economic policy centers around his no more gold diggers platform. So, gold diggers will be out.
“There will be abortions for everyone!” Mr. West stated. “Wait, no, there will be no abortions! Wait, no, what was I talking about again? I’m the greatest.” Mr. West then chugged some UV treated bleach.
Immediate Instagram Influencer Stimulus
Mr. West believes that influencers in Columbus have been the hardest hit during the Covid-19 pandemic. As such, he promises to send all thought leaders on a paid-for vacation to North Korea for some primo photo opportunities.
There will also be a layover in Russia but we should all ignore that because it has nothing to do with the election and why are we asking so many questions? It’s totally normal to have important people visit those two countries for no reason at all.
Mr. West’s financial disclosures have now been lost in the mail.
All Your Mail Will Now Be Available For Download On iTunes.
Mr. West plans to get rid of all mail carriers stating that the post office will save thousands. To receive your mail, just download Apple iTunes and sign up for free junk mail delivery for a small fee.
Every morning, including Sundays, your mail will be delivered directly to your inbox once you update the software. The process shouldn’t take more than one to two business weeks every time you log in.
Should you be unable to get your mail, you will be required to buy his latest Album Crazy as I Wanna Be, sponsored by the Committee to Re-Elect Donald Trump.
Reparations for White Slave Owners
As Mr. West has made abundantly clear, it was the white slave owners that truly suffered in the civil war. As such, they deserve to be compensated for all that they lost when slaves gained their freedom.
Beginning immediately, all the ancestors will receive a free code to download his album and a signed Taylor Swift photograph. Photographs can then be exchanged for Grammy awards that Mr. West will personally steal from Mrs. Swift.
No Lick Envelopes
Using advanced technology, all envelopes will be recalled to help control the spread of Covid 19. Instead, Space-age wax will be used to seal pieces of paper.
Simply heat the wax over a candle, drip it over the letter, and use your signet ring to stamp your insignia. This will ensure that the pony express riders will not tamper with your vote.
Mail-In Ballot switched to Twitter
All mail-in ballots will now take place directly on the social media platform Twitter. Visit the platform and hit the heart button to decide which version of Kanye West you like best. Is it the music genius version? The I’m Off My Meds Version?
There are many versions of Kanye West available to vote one. The winner of the vote will show up at the next press conference, which is an odd thing to hold as Postmaster General that doesn’t exist. But given the current situation of the world, why not?
To be sure, this election cycle has been a bit of a roller coaster for Russian Dark Money. Deciding which candidate to endorse is always a difficult decision when there are so many ways to destroy America.
However, if we all come together in this moment of crisis, Mr. West hopes that we will be able to go softly into that good night. To cast your vote for Mr. West, simply stay home and do nothing at all because you’ve already been stricken from the voter records.
As for the people of Columbus, OH, we wish you good luck. It’s going to be a rough 6 months.