Washington, D.C. — New legislation has just passed both houses of Congress that requires all seniors to pass a road test prior to going onto social media. The measure is being heralded by young voters everywhere as a positive step to combat family insults, fake news, and low key racism.
The legislation also redefines seniors as “any person or gender above the age of 40.” The millennial caucus of The House Of Representatives sponsored the bill.
The new test will be administered by the Adult Protective Services division of The Department of Homeland Security. If you’re a person older than forty, to maintain your Facebook account you must first complete a written exam showing that you know that Facebook is not Google.
You must also be able to determine between fake news articles, like this one, and real news articles like the shit this administration is currently doing. Sharing the wrong article on your feed leads to automatic failure.
The road test portion of the exam will be administered by a proctor. A senior’s first task will be to actually use the internet to connect with the examiner. Then, the examiner will give seniors different hypothetical virtual experiences to determine their fitness on the superhighway.
For example, a person will be presented with a technical problem and must Google the solution. Should they call their grandson in Texas, they are docked points and an hour of Judge Judy time. Another example of the road test will be to see pictures of minorities.
If they are able to refrain from making a racist response, then the senior will be awarded a license.
As expected, there was significant pushback in Congress on this legislation. In a lengthy floor speech, Steve King (R) Iowa complained that he himself did not pass the test.
“If I can’t pass this interwebs thingy, then how can my lobbyists or donors?” Representative King had more to say on the subject, but unfortunately, those words cannot be printed here. Eventually, he summed up his argument by telling how things were back in 1919 when women weren’t allowed to vote.
However, when it became time to cast their ballots, many members of Congress could not work the new online voting system. The legislation passed by a landslide.
The President is not expected to sign the bill into law unless it comes with an exemption for China.