The Daily Mock
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Loan Companies Partner with School Lunch Programs to Increase Student Debt

Washington, D.C. —  A new policy launched by the Department of Education is allowing lunch debt from high schools to be carried over into student loan debt.  The hope is to ensure that our youth learn the basics of proper debt repayment and build habits that will last a lifetime.

“That apple costs money.  That’s a fact of life, ”  said Secretary of Education Betsy Devos.  “And the problem is that I”m not getting that sweet apple money.  The law remains clear, minors cannot declare bankruptcy before the age of 18.  Therefore, I want my 35 cents.”

How The Plan Will Work

Students will benefit by having high-interest loans taken out in their names the moment they accept their diploma.  This primer loan will then graduate into a full-fledged student loan regardless if the student decides to go to college or not.  The Department of Education will take its 35% cut off the top.  That money will fund presidential golf trips.

The belief is that by instituting many of these policies while even in preschool, indentured servitude will make a roaring comeback.  It’s important to kill the young’s hopes as soon as possible so that they learn not to vote without permission.

Who Will Collect The Debt? 

The Department has also decided to disband all other student loan companies.  All outstanding loans will now be handled by one centralized source.  Blackwater Education Associates will be in charge of the administration of the new student lunch loans.  Should a person fail to pay on time, mercenaries will run over your house in a department-approved armored vehicle.  They will then grab the student by the legs and shake them upside down until this month’s loan payment is made.

“I have no idea who runs Blackwater Education, but it sounds like they are doing a bang-up job.  On a side note, I do not have a brother.  That’s a vicious rumor.  Eric, I’ll see you at Thanksgiving aboard my new yacht. Tell Papa he owes me money.”