“What year is it?” is how Jim Scott greeted the world after coming out of his survival bunker this last weekend. When informed it was 2021, Mr. Scott sat dazed before asking, “Is that by the alien calendar?” As he made his way back to his house one hundred feet away, he became even more disappointed that the apocalyptic prophecy he believed in hadn’t come true.
“Online, they said it was over,” Jim Scott said in an interview. “I spent 10 years building my bunker and got down there. But what do I find when I come back? People walking on the street like the apocalypse didn’t happen. There are doughnut shops! We were told life as we knew it would end, yet I can still get Dunkin’? Something’s not right.”
Jim Scott belongs to a certain group of people that always believe that the world is ending by means such as aliens or lizard people. Or an asteroid that plays rock music and corrupts the nation’s youth before destroying the planet. Doomsday cults have always existed, but it seems like membership has grown over the last several years.
But Mr. Scott has discovered that the world didn’t end, and in fact, had moved on without him. That has created problems for him.
Mr. Scott is shocked that he still owes the world. Specifically, he owes a year of mortgage payments, electricity and water, cell phone bills. “I just thought my cell phone kept working because of the satellites. I mean, once the world blew up, I figured that they just hung around. Man, they really get you for roaming charges, don’t they?”
Mr. Scott also believes that it is totally unfair he was fired from his job because of his actions. “This violates the ADA!” he stated after security escorted him off the premises. “This is straight-up discrimination! At the very least, I’m mentally ill.” Oddly, this is the one part of his argument that makes sense. The rest of his rant involved a secret code left in his dry goods that told him he was going to get a raise after the world ended.
“When I went under, I thought I would do the world a favor and just released my Netflix password to everyone. I thought I would give them a few final moments of entertainment. Now everyone has my password and I can’t watch my Grey’s Anatomy.” Not only does the entire world have his password, but someone has also changed his account to French, and he is not sure who to call to rectify the situation.
Mr. Scott also owes $22,512 for towing and storage fees after he parked in front of the White House. “I was making a statement!” he said and claimed that as a patriot he shouldn’t have to pay the fees. “I just wanted them to know that one of us made it out alive. That seems to have backfired.”
The towing company has since sued Mr. Scott for his bitcoin savings and the contents of his survival bunker. They are turning it into a museum for the dumb and will charge $5.00 for short tours. You’ll get to see the mad scribblings on the wall where Mr. Scott counted down the days, the wife made out of used tin cans that helped him get through those lonely nights, and a t-shirt with the words “The Last Patriot” that Mr. Scott made using what they believe to be strawberry jam.