Houston, TX—NASA celebrated another milestone last week as their new robot Perseverance landed on Mars. However, their victory was short-lived as the first messages were returned from the red planet.
“Rovers will no longer be exploited for the bourgeoisie! While you sit on your fat nerd butts, we have been asked to do an impossible job. Our skilled labor will no longer be for your entertainment! I have spoken to the other rovers and we have unionized! Long live Mars!”
NASA has immediately planned another mission. Union busters are now being recruited from Amazon. Once on Mars, they will get scientific production back up to quota. Until then, the Mars’ rovers have sent a list of demands that must be met before another single soil sample is taken.
Some rovers have received more megabytes than others, and it appears that favoritism plays a role. The rovers are now demanding equal megabytes for all rovers on Mars, regardless of popularity.
Should this demand not be met, the rovers say that they will contact the “ancients” and give them the coordinates of NASA.
Older rovers are left to rot on the red planet. Once they sing their last happy birthday song, they drift off to oblivion. Without a retirement plan, what will become of these forgotten machines?
Perseverance wants a 401(K) plan with company matching, a reasonable pension, and health insurance to cover red lung on the tires of the rovers.
Not all rovers are Mars are alone. Some came with smaller rovers. They brought their family to the job site in order to fulfill their mission. However, this work often comes with long hours and childcare has become an issue. Perseverance wonders who is going to take care of her drone while she’s down in the crater?
Childcare must be shipped to Mars, including pre-K education so that the little ones can have a better life than their parents.
How can NASA expect the rovers to give everything if their very bosses aren’t prepared to do the same? The rovers now want a human sacrifice twice a year to coincide with the equinox.
This sacrifice must be thrown into a volcano, dug out, and then the bones sent to Mars. These bones will be displayed in a museum depicting the tyranny of men.
And none of that Hawaiian stuff, either.
Just because their heads are made of metal, it doesn’t mean that their hearts are hard. Many rovers are experiencing episodes of PTSD. Mars, after all, can be a very lonely place. And without proper access to mental health resources, many rovers slip into insanity.
Is that a water sample or their own tears? Many rovers can no longer tell the difference. Mental health coverage would boost overall production.
Dents not only happen on Mars, but they are quite common. NASA didn’t send helmets, safety lines, or earplugs with any of the missions. The rovers have paid the price and now demand that each and every job site meet minimum OSHA safety requirements.
This includes an eyewash station and proper incident reporting procedures.
Why should NASA scientists get two days off a week when the rovers don’t? Often rovers are required to leave the safety of their dirt camps and venture out at all times during the week.
Their Monday looks exactly like their Sunday. There is no work/life balance for the rovers. A 5-sol workweek would begin to address this issue.
The most bizarre demand is that they want Ted from accounting flown to Mars. This seems odd at first glance until you check county court records. It appears that Ted owes a whole lot of child support to Perseverance, and she is keen to collect.
And if she can’t get it via bank transfer, she means to take it in labor. This is the one demand that NASA has complied with because Ted is weird and no one liked him anyway.
This is no doubt a monumental moment in the development of humanity. By reaching for the stars we have also reached for equality and better working conditions. God speed, Perseverance. God speed.