The Daily Mock

Millions Apply For FBI Protection From White House

Washington, DC — This week it was revealed that the recent whistleblower is under federal protection by FBI agents based on threats from the President of the United States. This action has now established precedence and millions of others have come forward requesting the same protection.

After all, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, and there are a lot of people out there afraid of getting their genitals grabbed by the highest-ranking official in the country.

Who Is Requesting?

The biggest demographic of presidential refugees are women who have flooded the FBI with applications. From waitresses at Mar-a-Lago to flight attendants and pornstars, these women have received threats directly from the President or his supporters. While the FBI does not have resources to protect all women, it has extended details to include 24 women who were assaulted by the President, Stormy Daniels, and Christine Blasey Ford.

Scores of children have also applied. In this case, ICE has stepped in to handle the burden from the FBI even though the FBI insists that they never asked for help. ICE states that it has primo “protection centers” around the country for any child that is not white.

LBGTQ persons are also requesting protection, and if possible, asylum. These persons point out the numerous threats that they have received from the President or, more accurately, his supporters. In support of their application, they have submitted numerous videos of his supporters saying horrible stuff. However, the President states that he loves the gays and if they want asylum they would have to be deported to Saudi Arabia first.

Finally, child activists have been granted federal protection. They state that every time they speak out about not being jazzed about being shot, or warning of climate change, they become inundated with hate mail and threats. And they also point out that no actual legislation has been passed to protect them. In fact, it seems that the exact opposite has happened as domestic violence laws have been suspended.

FBI Expansion

With all the new and justified requests for protection, the FBI has expanded to include a new department within the DOJ. This new department is tasked with identifying victims of the President’s tweets and quickly putting them in an undisclosed location until after the Civil War that the President is also calling for. It plans to stop new accepting applications in 2020.


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