Norman, OK —Native Americans have turned down an attempt by the current administration to return much of the land stolen, or um… “bought”, by the US government.
The administration is asking for a full refund of beads and the dignity that the original deal cost Native Americans. In response, tribal leaders from all overstated that no returns are possible after the land has been destroyed as it is company policy.
“We need those beads back, but we’re still keeping your dignity,” stated Richard Scum. “The country needs that for other purchases at the moment. Our grandmother is sick and we need to buy her some fan art.”
In response, Native Americans offered smallpox blankets in exchange but the US seems to be full of pestilence at the moment and didn’t have room for any more.
Is the land really broken?
Well, there is a pandemic causing untold damage to the citizens of the land.
Add to the fact the rampant pollution, deforestation, earthquakes from fracking, civil unrest, unpopular leadership, and you know what we are going to stop the list right there because it’s getting really depressing.
The US has claimed that the land is only slightly used and swear that they only wore it for one night. The oil stains you see on the coasts were there when they bought it, and how were they supposed to know that acid rain was a bad thing?
Be that as it may, Native Americans say the return date has passed.
What is the land really worth?
Global appraisers are torn on what the land is actually worth. Many state that if a good 1/3 of the infection would leave, the land could be salvaged. However, that would take a national vote to improve the situation and it’s not looking good at the moment.
In the future, they suggest being good stewards of the land in the first place and get rid of the “Drive it Like You Stole It” philosophy that has guided over 200 years of American policy.
The US is now considering making an offer to Goodwill for a tax break donation.