The Daily Mock
gingerbread cookie with the nestle logo on its forehead

Nestle Trademarks Christmas Cookies and Goodwill Towards Man

Glendale, CA —This week Nestle filed trademark and copyright paperwork to own exclusive rights to Christmas cookies and goodwill towards man.  This move is expected from the same company that once tried to argue that water was not a human right.

Nestle spokesman Ralph Chugalug stated “Christmas cookies are a Nestle invention.  Without Nestle, there wouldn’t be any cookies at all!  We deserve every piece of grandma’s gingerbread house that we can get.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m starting work at Comcast tomorrow and have to kick some puppies.”

Goodwill Towards Man

Further, Nestle has copyrighted the phrase of “Goodwill Towards Man” in order to stop goodwill towards man  Market research shows that the nicer that individuals are to each other, the less likely they are to purchase products.

Therefore, it is hoped that the copyright will send thousands into depression and binge eating Christmas cookies.  The synergy of their two campaigns is actually impressive.

Actual acts of goodwill are still allowed, but only if every act is proceeded by the following legal disclaimer:

“I have committed the offense of goodwill.  I realize that this was done in error and I hope to learn from my mistake.  Eat more chocolate.  Nestle, where your soul goes to die.  Goodwill towards man is a registered trademark of the Nestle Corporation.  Offer not valid in Nevada.”

Replacements For Christmas Cookies

As there is now a 20% trademark fee attached to cookies, many people are looking for viable alternatives for the holiday favorite.  Christmas Yule stones and Lemon Meringue fruit juice are the current favorites.   A nice Yule stone is great for throwing at corporate windows and Lemon Meringue was always going to be a favorite.

Other more industrial entrepreneurs are entering the market with their own ideas.  Johnson and Johnson have introduced Xanex Christmas squares while Phillip and Morris are hoping that Tobacco Cake is a hit with children.

Expect other large corporations to also begin trademarking holiday favorites.  Energy companies have now filed a copyright for heat, while the Republican party is copyrighting the right to vote.

Pssst….

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