Pine Bluff, AR. — New breakthrough testing for COVID-19 has confirmed what many public officials have always felt in their shared heart. 50% of the workforce is probably expendable and therefore easily disposed of so that the stock market can go up again.
As everyone knows, the U.S. is the world leader in quality pandemic testing. They have tested the public’s patience, the lack of yachts for billionaires, and designer dogs that may or may not be affected.
The U.S. also excels in celebrity testing, because they truly are our future. Now, they take that same innovation to the workforce, which is finally getting true testing for the first time.
This one of a kind testing will be conducted over the next several weeks to ensure that the American workforce can get back to work and back into hospitals.
Do I qualify for the new test?
The biggest question Americans have is if they actually qualify for testing. In the past, a COVID-19 test could only come to those that checked into funeral parlors. Now, the FDA has relaxed those restrictions to make sure everyone knows that they are throw away trash.
To qualify, you must be a person who needs money, who has bills to pay, and if you provide a valuable service like making quality martinis. It helps if you are an only child caring for multiple old people.
At that point, Governors and the White House have confirmed that you are indeed expendable because f*ck you that’s why.
To get your test, just wake up in the morning and retrieve your eviction notice from the mail.
Tracking and Statistics
For the first time, the government will now be able to finally track COVID-19 and the impacts it has on the profit margins of billionaires.
They are willing to sacrifice your health in order to get as much as they can before the next election. This brings comfort to the millions of people that are eagerly waiting on the Japanese Murder Hornets to just hurry up and finish the job.
But rest assured, everything will be done to keep you alive long enough to pay your huge medical bills you will have racked up while waiting tables.