London, ENG —It is often true that truth is stranger than fiction. The year 2020 is no different. Written generations ago, humanity was promised an apocalypse with Four Horsemen. Pestilence, Famine, War, and, of course, Death.
However, what the profits have left out were the less photogenic horsemen of the apocalypse that has made this year truly an apocalypse to remember. No man is an island, and four horsemen can’t do it all alone.
The Daily Mock was able to secure interviews with the lesser-known Horsemen so that the rest of humanity can prepare for our doom.
Brad, The Horseman of Cabbage
Rider of a Chartreuse Horse, Brad claims that the unknown horseman were cut from the Book of Revelations because of word count in the editorial stage. “Man, we other riders just get no respect. Ok, so yeah, maybe being the Horseman of Cabbage isn’t flashy, but I have a job to do and I’ll do it well!”
When asked what cabbage has to do with the end times, Brad stated: “When the world is eating only cabbage, the world goes nuts. Let’s see Famine do that! Hell, supermodels are lining up down the block to talk to that guy.”
Wendy, The Horsewoman of Social Media
“I’m just as important as any of the other Horsemen and I’ve got the following to prove it!” stated Wendy. With over 8 billion Instagram followers, she does have a point. Her pictures often go viral within minutes of her posting them.
“The only reason I’m not mentioned in the Bible is because Death and me and had a thing and it went bad. But maybe if SOMEONE learned to flush, it would have worked out. Anyway, I’m happy to be a part of the suffering of mankind to usher in a 1000 years of darkness.
Karen, The Horsewoman of White Women Screaming
Karen refused to talk to this reporter and demanded to see our manager instead.
Fred, The Horseman of Fidget Spinners and Weed
“Look, man, this has bee coming for a long time. Lots of lobbying needed to be done to make weed ok. Fidget spinners happened naturally though. My job is to just help you guys, like, relax and go with the flow. When War is all screaming and sh-t, just chill.
“Let it happen. Grab your fidget spinner and that dime bag and enjoy the ride. Sure, it’s going to get worse but it could get better before the end, too.” Fred fell asleep before the end of the interview.
Joseph, The Horseman of Entitlement
The Horseman of Entitlement rode in on a mount made of gold. He complained for five hours that his horse wasn’t gold enough and that he was due something better. When he finally calmed down, he explained his role in the apocalypse:
“You think it was easy getting that man elected? H-ll, naw! I mean the other’s just kinda show up and slash and dash. Maybe kill some crops. I had to convince an entire generation that they were due the hard work of the youth. You know how long that took?”
“How long?” asked our reporter.
“Ten minutes! Ha, I like to kid. Honestly, I barely did anything at all. Humanity sucks. Good luck with all the rapturing none of you will get, ya entitled pricks.”
Mr. Rogers, The Horseman of Kindness
To The Daily Mock’s Surprise, Mr. Rogers rode in on a horse made of sweaters. “I tried to help, I really did. I told you to be kind. I showed you how to have empathy. I tried to give you a role model for the next generation. But, I guess, well it wasn’t enough. My job was to give you one last chance. And I suppose I did that. Let’s go have some milk and cookies until all this blows over.”
The other Horsemen have decided to write their collective memoirs and sell them to the highest bidder. While War, Famine, Pestilence, and Death do their thing, it’s the contributions of the lesser-known horsemen that have truly sealed humanity’s fate. When the world must eat only cabbage, you know it’s going to get bad.
The best course of action at this point is to hope that the next incarnation of humans are a little bit more cool, a lot more understanding, and never discover social media.