Portland, OR — Assisted suicide has been debated for years. That argument today reached a dramatic conclusion at the signing of the new assisted suicide legislation held in Portland.
The Law, referred to as Rapture Away, was supported by both evangelical Christians and atheists. Apparently, everyone has pretty much had enough. Going forward, humanity will help the Earth ease her pain and suffering.
Corporations Take the Lead
Companies like Exxon Mobile and Jim’s Tree Cutters have been quietly advocating for Earth’s demise for generations. Never passing up a river they didn’t want to set on fire, both these companies have been given the green light to do legally what they’ve been doing illegally for years. Rebranding themselves as The New Enron, Jim’s Tree Cutters have ramped up efforts in the Amazon.
As a result, the life expectancy of humans has dropped dramatically. However, this seems to have a net positive effect on the Earth as humanity is responsible for most of her damage. So The New Enron promises to just shoot people and make them into plastic bags. They will then put penguins into those bags. This, of course, has no real effect, but being mean to penguins makes CEOs feel better.
Later this year, there are scheduled massive oil spills in the Gulf of Mexico as well as locally organized trash parties. India and China promise to sponsor both events.
The People’s Response
On the whole, environmentalists celebrated the new law.
“Screw it,” said Dick Dently, spokesman for Greenpeace. “We give up. All of it needs to end. And I mean all of it. I watched the last episode of the Kardashians and just couldn’t fight anymore. We deserve this.”
“I wish I could care, but meh,” stated Gen X rep David Schwimmer. “When we wrapped up the show Friends, I knew that was the pinnacle of human elevation. Never again would civilization evolve beyond that point. I just hope that this is quick and painless.”
Boomers, on the other hand, were not so happy with the new law. In a statement released by AARP, they claim the right of prima nocta because if anyone is going to screw the Earth over, it should be them.