Los Angeles, CA — With the moratorium on evictions ending soon, millions of people are about to find themselves out of a home and living on the streets. However, a study conducted by Koch Industries suggests that this is actually a good thing. The study concludes that most roommates are terrible people and that it’s much better living with an eviction notice on your record rather than them.
“Roommates eat all your food and prevent the development of new properties,” states Koch Industries spokesperson Pinkus Raspberry. “I mean, in this overcrowded housing market, we could be making tons of more money! Like, literal tons! Imagine all the semi-trucks that it would take to move that sweet sweet money out of the hands of the poor and into the 1%. Roommates suck.”
Our reporters took a deeper dive into the study to find out why living with roommates is worse than having a roof over your head.
Most roommates steal the food of their fellow house dwellers. Sometimes it is subtle, such as an orange or an apple. Other times, it is more overt like your wedding banquet that you just had catered and Jill didn’t think you observed it.
Without Jill living with you, your wedding would have still have been held. So in the future, be homeless and get married in the park, like normal poor people. You can honeymoon by the dumpster.
Higher Utility Bills
The study concluded that utility bills are often higher when you live with a roommate, such as that b**** Jill. If you were by yourself sleeping under the overpass, you could just have a nice blanket and not have to worry about any bills at all.
But because your roommate allowed you to make rent every month, that means your bills were higher.
She also uses way to much water and bogarts your shampoo.
Roommates lead to higher medical bills
The study points out that many people have high medical bills that are uncovered. It doesn’t tie this to having a roommate, but just likes to point out the potential for another profit stream for Koch industries.
When you live with roommates, you will die. The study concluded that 100% of the people that had roommates in their past eventually ended dead. Sometimes as much as 70 years later.
Although the study does state this correlation, it makes it a point to not state it as causation. Then the study is colored on by a purple crayon with the words “I’m bored” doodled on the side next to a very pretty purple sunflower.
On page 234, subparagraph B, it was noted that roommates are also the cause for Pinkus’s career stalling. He promised his bosses that he could get the property on the cheap, and if he doesn’t fulfill that promise, he is destined to a baby punching manufacturing plant in Cleveland. Thus, the study makes a pretty strong case of roommates destroying the career of Mr. Raspberry.
The study warns that if it can happen to him, what’s to prevent roommates from torpedoing your career prospects. It is much better to create a shanty of old lobster crates down at the wharf than to risk living with a roommate.
Stock Exchange ready to collapse
It is clear that the U.S. Stock Exchange is artificially inflated and doesn’t reflect the number of people that are currently unemployed. With roommates continuing to allow people to afford unaffordable housing, they are killing America.
Trickle-down economics demands the poor sacrifice themselves for the wealthy and all their money tied up in investments. That blood, sweat, and tears are needed to trickle down onto the Stock Exchange floor and rejuvenate our nobility for another century to come. Roommates hate America, it’s that simple.
The study gives several alternatives to the roommate problem, such as just shooting them, but the cost of bullets seems to be prohibitive. Instead, it recommends that evictions be opened up and used fully to insure another bountiful year for yacht owners.
Meanwhile, living with your eviction on your record could save your life as the paperwork can often be used as a blanket as the nights get cold.