New York, NY—The nation needs a bit of good news, and pharmaceutical company Pfizer delivered this past week with their announcement that they have developed a vaccine that is 90% effective.
“I’m pleased to announce that if you are rich, we will have a vaccine that will work and get you back to normal. You will once again be able to live comfortably on your yachts and not have to worry about being infected by your servants,” stated company spokesman Jack Pimple. This comes as great news as the country watches the collapse of western democracy.
These job creators will be able to build America up from the ashes of a society that it helped burned down. Social media companies are already deciding on which misinformation campaigns they will allow to keep the plebes from getting any vaccine. A workforce that is too hungry to protest is a workforce that will do what they are told.
However, there are some concerns about what qualifies as “rich” in today’s modern economy. The Daily Mock is able to break it down so that you will know if you are going to get the COVID-19 vaccine. But our first tip, if you are reading this, the answer is no. If you have to ask if you are rich or not, you are not rich.
Are you a professional athlete?
If you are, then the chances of you getting the vaccine before anyone else is highly likely. Much like the first pandemic testing, being a professional athlete guaranteed your first in line spot, just ahead of the nurse that works in the ICU or the home health aide in the nursing home.
The difference being, of course, the nurse is not rich. So if you find yourself playing a sport in a stadium and you have on a sleek jersey, you are probably rich and will be the first to get the vaccine.
Does your yacht’s name contain a pun?
A rich person’s yacht will never contain a pun, such as Big Black Dock or Feeling Nauti. This type of low brow humor is often beneath the dignity of a true rich person. Instead, if your yacht is named after Tits McGee, or Sugar Tits, or any boobs in general, then you are probably rich.
Rich people often like to degrade people based on their physical appearance. Occasionally, rich people will also be religious. So, if your yacht is named St. Tits McGee, you’re going to get the vaccine.
Can you afford insulin?
If every month you don’t have to go a week without food or rob someone with a homemade shank, you’re rich. Congratulations, you will not only get your vaccine before anyone else, but also their other needed medication such as insulin, Xanax, and heart medication.
But please, please be responsible and do not parade your good fortune out in polite society. Simply cut their hourly wages and go on with your day.
Do you own an island where you can hunt people for sport?
It’s important to clarify this question a bit. If you are on an island, but do not own it, the bad news is that you are probably the prey. But the good news is that most likely you don’t need the vaccine anyway. If you took your yacht, St. Tits McGee, to an island that you hold the deed for, then your vaccine should be waiting at the concierge’s desk.
Simply send your manservant, Geoffrey St. Tits, down to retrieve it on your arrival. The positive side effect of the current pandemic is that your prey is often out of breath and coughs a lot, insuring good hunting for you!
Are you a member of any cabal?
Secret meetings in clandestine organizations are always a sure sign that you are rich and are thus deserving of the COVID-19 vaccine. If you attend a yearly retreat in the forest where you have weirdo sex parties with people in masks, things are looking good for your future.
So organizations such as Skull and Bones, The Illuminati, or The Republican Party – these all will get the vaccine. Keeping the crowd out of the voting booth is the name of the game, and the best way to do that is to f*ck ‘em and leave ‘em at your simple management retreat.
With the possibility of a COVID-19 vaccine on the horizon, many of today’s richest people can get back to life as normal. Fighting minimum wage, taking away society’s social safety net, and drinking the broken dreams of the population.