North Pole, North Pole — Santa and his elves spend 364 days a year getting ready for Christmas. But one day a year, they take the day off and blow off some steam.
The North Pole Police department spends 364 days getting ready for December 26th.
8:00 am: Officer Candy Cane reports a disturbance at 102 Workshop lane. When he arrived, he found 4 inebriated reindeers playing Russian roulette, a naked elf, and a white powdery substance that was not snow.
Comet and Cupid arrested, however, Rudolph bit the officer and then stole a police vehicle. Rudolph’s location is currently unknown and is still at large.
8:22 am: Hit and Run on Gum Drop expressway. Investigation ongoing.
9:01 am: Officer Candy Cane’s police cruiser located at The Sticky Pole, the adult elf gentlemen club. Witness Prancer states that Rudolph was in the VIP room.
Non-lethal force used (taser) to subdue the subject and put him in cuffs. Transported to The North Pole Detention Center for processing.
10:33am: Report of gunfire at the corner of Sugar Plum Avenue and West Gingerbread. Officers encountered the southside gang Elverinos in turf war with Santa’s B-tches from the Wrapping District.
Swat called to set up perimeter. 5 arrested, 23 wounded, and Pinky’s Candy Shop set on fire. Suspected arson. Suspects in custody.
11:43 am: Domestic disturbance reported at 1278 Sleigh Drive. Arriving officer Candy Cane states that adult male, approx 345 years of age, barricaded himself in his room.
He screamed “I can’t take the holly jolly anymore! I can’t take it!” Social Services called. Subject taken to the North Pole Psychiatric unit.
12:22 pm: Officer Candy Cane reports that the best damn street tacos can be found at The Tree Topper food truck. He thought the station would like to know.
4:37 pm: Reported that Santa’s Sleigh has been stolen. Officer Candy Cane investigating.
4:50 pm: Raid on 4576 Nut Avenue in the Yule Log district. Officers on scene report that the Elverinos fake snow and opioid distribution center has been shut down. 23 kilos of product reported missing. 11 arrests made. Investigation ongoing.
5:22 pm: Reported that The Tree Topper is open for dinner.
7:04 pm: Gunshots reported in Santa’s Workshop. Officers found no suspects but witness report that Santa’s Sleigh was used in a drive-by.
8:06 pm: Officers respond to super spreader event at house party. Officers found 745 elves without masks in an Airbnb. Owner cannot be reached in Florida.
Reported that 56 citations for underage drinking given. Estimated 3.2 million dollars of damage down to the home.
8:31 pm: Attention all officers, be on the lookout for Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Reported escaped from downtown detention facility.
Suspect is in a red sleigh, license plate Ho Ho Ho. Suspect is to be considered armed and dangerous. Unknown accomplices.
8:58 pm: Missing person’s report. Mrs. Claus states that she has not seen Santa in some time and has become worried.
9:01 pm: Riot reported downtown. All officers respond.
9:57 pm: Cancel Riot. It was just officer Candy Cane yelling “I quit!” and firing his gun into the air.
10:01 pm: Bank Robbery reported at The Southern Branch of Mistletoe Capital. Suspects are two reindeer and unknown male. The smell of cinnamon left at the scene.
10:24 pm: All units, be on the lookout for Santa’s Sleigh, cherry red with the license plate Ho Ho Ho. Individuals are wanted for the questioning in Mistletoe Capital bank robbery.
10:45 pm: All units, Sleigh located currently traveling down Gum Drop lane in speeds in excess of 100 mph. Suspects confirmed to be Rudolph, Prancer, and Santa. Proceed with caution.
11:21 pm: Suspects have now entered the Wrapping District. Santa’s B-tches have offered Santa sanctuary in their crushed mint labs located in Nakatomi Tower.
11:45 pm: Standoff at crushed mint lab continues. Negotiator contacted.
12:01 am: Negotiator shot. He was not very good.
2:45 am: Santa is demanding 3 large pizzas and a helicopter or “I’ll burn this whole thing down.”
3:22 am: Officer Candy Cane stormed the warehouse single-handed and has apprehended the suspects.
Mrs. Claus was able to distract Santa long enough for Officer Candy Cane to climb through the vents of Nakatomi Tower and say a “Let’s wrap this up, boys” before overpowering Santa’s B-tches and Santa himself. Rudolph remains at large.
6:00 am: The Christmas Spirit has decided to pardon everyone for December 26th. It’s time to get ready for next Christmas. Great job, officers. Stay safe out there.
6:01 am: Officer Candy Cane announces his retirement.