Washington, DC — The Fossil Fuel lobby is now petitioning members of Congress to pass new legislation that would allow fines paid by oil companies to be tax-deductible in the coming years. Companies such as Exon, Chevron, and Steveron would also be able to claim fines paid for illegal oil sales in the past to also count against future earnings.
This would enable these billion-dollar world power companies to claim an operating loss and thus eligible for a tax return equal to the fine that they just paid. The bill, now dubbed You Scratch My Back and I’ll Get You A Hooker, is up for a vote this coming Tuesday.
How Much Are The Fines?
Most American oil companies tend to ignore US and International treaties and buy oil from countries that are under UN sanctions, such as Iran, North Korea, and Antartica. They can get this raw product at a heavily discounted price. This huge discount, like really huge, is then passed on to the consumer in the form of really high gas prices.
This has the effect of making them enough money that they can ask for absurd tax deductions without giving a shit with how crazy it sounds. This is called the “I’m rich enough not to be shamed” phenomena.
However, from time to time these oil companies are late on their bribery payments and their shipping lanes are disrupted and their deceit is discovered. At this point, they are forced to pay a fine equal to hundreds of vials of insulin, but they are allowed to keep the oil and sell it anyway.
So instead of making twenty-two million dollars per illegal transaction, they are forced to make only twenty-one million. As you can see, this is completely unfair to the stockholders of these companies.
Wait, Antarctica Produces Oil?
Officially, Antarctica produces no oil. Unofficially, they produce seventy-five million barrels a year which is then sold on the black market to worldwide oil companies. Steveron is the biggest exporter of oil in the region but oddly has no offices. This one-man shop is run by a guy named Steve that works out of the back pocket of his Oligarch sponsor.
Oil from Antarctica is a special environmentally-friendly blend that comes from the blood of penguins. The result of the legislation is unknown, which we are required to say by journalistic ethics. However, we all know the bill is going to pass because this is where we are at as a country.